In my four years of terrifying prospective students while giving tours, I've developed a large library of "cute Dartmouth anecdotes," most of which have absolutely no basis in reality. (Did you know that my favorite time to study is early morning in Fairchild Tower because you can see the sun coming up through the glass? Apparently, I regularly wake up before noon. Yup.)
A large portion of the tour is on the Green, which naturally lends itself to stories about running around the Homecoming bonfire and then to fun descriptions of the various snow sculptures.
I had to train myself to STOP the descriptions of the big weekends at that point, because while Homecoming can be explained as a party about the football game and Winter Carnival as a fun snowtime-wholesome-activity-fest, there is no way to delicately explain Green Key. It is essentially a giant drinking party for no good reason. This is not the kind of description you want to give to 20 nervous mothers. Trust me. (Rookie freshman tour guide mistakes leave lasting scars.)
However, if you got me away from the tour group and prohibited me from talking in my PR-big-ray-of-sunshine-Hi-I'm-Kathleen-Farley voice, I would probably be able to articulate the purpose of Green Key a little more accurately. The entire genius of the thing is that Green Key ACTUALLY happens for no reason.
This gives you permission to be so much more ridiculous. You don't have to arrange your schedule to stand in front of a flaming hot bonfire or jump into some potentially fatal water to prove that you are HARD GUYZ.
More importantly, you're already in the slightly-giddy mindset that this is 10 times more ludicrous than usual and there is nothing holding you back from making some bad decisions that could become the stuff of legends.
As this is my last INSERT MENTAL BREAKDOWN HERE Green Key, I've seen enough big weekend-related drama go down that I've got some recommendations for making the kind of decisions that only Green Key lets you make. This is advice for having epic stories and good memories. This is not advice that immediately guarantees your personal safety and/or dignity. Proceed with caution.
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Commandeer an Advance Transit vehicle and start a party bus. (Get someone sober to drive, I'm not totally crazy.) Your party bus could TAKE YOU DIRECTLY TO MOZZ STICKS. The POSSIBILITIES.
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STREAK SOMEWHERE. Streaking is dying on this campus. I haven't awkwardly encountered a naked person in WEEKS. The shame. A big weekend is the best time to lose your inhibitions because there's a pretty good chance that everyone will be too blacked out to identify you. Green Key is the only big weekend where it's warm enough to do this without risking frostbite in embarrassing places (except maybe this year). DO IT.
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Organize Pigstick 2.0 in someone else's front yard. Extra points for blitzing out to campus to advertise it first.
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Hook up with an EBAs delivery guy. I'm pretty sure you'd get at least some of those sides of ranch for free.
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Burn down Phi Delt. (Too soon?)
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Rage like it is your purpose in life. Don't stop to change your clothes, don't stop to change your mind and most of all don't stop for regrets. This is your moment. Carpe Keystone.
