So today I experienced a perfect succession of blitzes in my inbox. The first was from my mother, informing me that she wanted to send some of my columns TO MY GRANDMA and inquiring if this week's installment would be "appropriate" to include in the collection. The second was from the lovely and talented Mirror editor, informing me that the theme for this week is "formals."
Shit.
Okay I'm going to take a stab at it. Grandma-friendly description of formals. Here we go.
A formal is a much-anticipated fancy party organized by members of a student organization to commemorate the end of term and to provide a well-deserved respite from the trials of daily student life before finals begin. Attendees usually don their finest clothes in anticipation of an evening of gourmet food and spirited dancing at a beautiful venue. These classy affairs
STOP LAUGHING AT ME!
Okay I failed. It's no use. Honestly, there's not much use in writing a lot of things about formal. I could try to figure out why the hell we collectively feel it necessary to spend thousands of dollars on what is essentially a high-end kegger. I could use my considerable influence (riiiight) over the minds of the still-young and slightly impressionable '13s to tell them to behave themselves in a refined manner befitting of a student of Dartmouth College at their future formals.
As both of these seem unlikely to be successful and a total waste of ink, I will turn instead to a topic that is guaranteed to be of use: analyzing missteps at formal. People are going to be soils. You are going to commit several breaches of etiquette. What you need to know is how bad your offense actually was and how many apology blitzes you are obligated to send the next day.
Possible Formal Crimes:1. BootingI understand that you will be looked down upon in high society if you excuse yourself from the table and emerge from the restroom several minutes later smelling faintly of vomit. Fortunately you are still at Dartmouth, and half the people at your table probably just did the same thing.Ruling: Probably not even noteworthy. Pop a breath strip and carry on making a fool of yourself. EXCEPTION: If you booted ON someone, you need to do a little more than send the apology blitz.2. Stealing AndreOh my God I hate you and I hope you spill your purloined goods on yourself in a way that results in a cringe-worthy awkward stain. Unless you have been told otherwise, ONE BOTTLE PER COUPLE. I know that you're in a really happy place right now. I know there's a tempting box in front of you with pretty glass bottles. I know you want to drink all of it and become EVEN HAPPIER. But you are stealing someone else's bottle of liquid bubbly joy. How can you sleep at night???Ruling: This is an egregious offense. You're evil.3. Excessive public display of affectionLet's face it: formal exists in part so that you can issue an invitation that is understood by both parties to read "Let's hook up!" (Choose your Food Court Challenge dates carefully, people.) Unfortunately, due to a combination of nerves, tails and your stolen Andre, you may achieve your intended goal while you are still in public on the dance floor.Ruling: If you only reached hmmm-I-better-detag-that-picture-of-myself-in-action levels, you're fine. If the venue management called the police to arrest you for public indecency you've probably already figured out that this is a weeeee bit unacceptable, especially if you were in the process of:4. Hooking up with not-your-dateA dicey situation, this could easily throw off the entire balance of formal as the hook up continuum is thrown permanently out of whack. (If you hook up with not-your-date, then their date has to hook up with also-not-their-date and so on.) However, sometimes well-adjusted people bring their friends to formal, because they merely enjoy the company of the person they are with. (Weird.) Ruling: More likely to be okay at a sorority formal straight frat boys are unlikely to bring their friends on man-dates. Make some discreet inquiries the next day.5.Getting sent homeRife with pros and cons. On the one hand, at least you didn't get arrested. On the other, your evening just ended WAY early.Ruling: This varies with your previous formal behavior. If you've already established yourself as a date who lasts only about 45 minutes into the evening, then the person who invited you deserves the risk s/he took.6.Being sober enough to take lots of pictures and post them tagged before everyone wakes up.Ruling: HILARIOUS. Do it.
