Oh, the joy that is college dorm life. Everyone's heard that Dartmouth students work hard and play hard(er), but do they "board" hard too? I would say yes, but at the cost of etiquette despite the fact that the Emily Post institute, an etiquette advice organization founded in 1946, has made the trek up to Hanover multiple times during Summer term to participate in workshops and presentations.
One such presentation, given in 1994 by Emily's grandson Peter Post, was a "do's and don'ts of table manners" at Collis. While we could all benefit from a little etiquette, I couldn't help but wonder why "do's and don'ts" of dorms didn't take priority over whether you (gasp) used the lobster knife to cut your EBAs or took the person to your left's keystone instead of the person to your right.
Furthermore, what's up with the institute coming in the summer? We all know that freshman, newly released from mommy's watchful eye, are most in need of etiquette. If Emily Post could rise from the dead, I'm willing to bet she wouldn't last more than 10 seconds after witnessing the state of freshmen dorms on a Saturday morning. Yet if we could manage to outfit her with some blinders, earplugs and a gas mask what pearls of wisdom would she offer us?
Before tackling the [freshman] dorm in all its glory, let's start off with a baby step: the dorm room. An informal and not statistically significant survey identified the top roommate pet peeves as food stealing, smelliness, sex-iling and other noise-related matters. Much of dorm etiquette is intuitive. Most of us would like to think we have a responsibility to remain, if not substance-free, smell-free. Febreeze can only do so much. Calling a roommate out for leaving milk in the fridge over winter break with the fridge unplugged, no less is a no brainer. But what about the more nuanced etiquette topics, like "special friends" who become impromptu sleepover guests?
Emily might refuse to answer a question involving pre-marital visitation, but if she could get over her shock, she would say that roommates should establish their own etiquette code relating to overnight guests that touches on the responsibility of both parties, not just the roomie who's getting some. Some roommates want some forewarning about potential visitors, but not all. Generally, the polite thing to do is to at least whip out your phone and give a little advance notice. That way, the third party will know to hide his/her dirty laundry and other such incriminating paraphernalia, and the couple can have some more privacy. No one likes a voyeur. If a threesome's not your idea of a good time, but you still want to show your roomie a little love, it would be nice to leave a little handwritten note. Stationery would work best, but be resourceful: sharpie on a beer can works just fine to say thanks for putting up with you. Notes are useful to save face, can be straight to the point and will leave the roommate with less sex appeal with some consoling words.
As far as breaches of dorm etiquette go, usually it's not your roommate, but your neighbors who are to blame. Having grown up in a household where we never locked the door (and that was in NYC, no less), I've quickly learned that 1) locked doors can [sometimes] prevent etiquette breaches and 2) locking yourself in the room may even be necessary, especially after 11 p.m. Emily might advise the combination of an unlocked door (as proof of good hospitality, of course) and dainty "do not disturb sign" handwritten with your finest calligraphy. But you might also need to turn the lock. You never know when you'll be graced with the presence of drunk freshmen boys or rather, their EBAs detritus. You also never know when night revelers might confuse your room with the bathroom in particular, your sock drawer for a urinal. I once awoke from my beauty sleep to find Kimono condoms in every nook and cranny of my 180 square foot room. But I digress.
Sometimes even locking the door isn't enough, considering the desecration of property that goes down in residence halls. Everyone knows dorms are public property, but those with bellig tendencies often forget that their displays of machismo might bring some hate from the UGA and your floor-mates. Considering that the cost of "spit" removal on elevator buttons (must have been a spicy ele-hookup?) has now risen to the equivalent of ten hours of minimum wage labor, this graffiti did some financial as well as social damage. Etiquette violations range in scope and absurdity level but whether the crime is typical (ransacked kitchen) to the bizarre (a Butterfield door grafittied with Cheez Whiz) all victims and perpetrators alike could benefit from Emily's words. As for the door incident, she would probably ask why Cheez Whiz was used instead of Camembert. More generally, she would have called upon the "golden rule" with the wise words, "do unto others as you would like them to do unto you." Remember: custodians are not your moms, and if you break it, you buy it.
The final etiquette breach we will address concerns noise violations, from singing neighbors to the cacophony of a Sunday morning boot. For those who find their beauty sleep in jeopardy, Emily would suggest the preventative measures of ear plugs, in addition to a silk lavender infused eye-pillow. I would supplement that with Ambien and perhaps even a grritz (angry blitz). While booting and rallying is rarely a display of fine etiquette, those forced to witness, hear or smell the event should take the opportunity to showcase their own decorum. Emily wouldn't be able to decipher the previous sentence, so I'll supplant her and offer this advice. Leave a note politely requesting clean up, and leave it with some water and advil. Then take some advil yourself, because sometimes, on a Sunday morning, BAC level notwithstanding, we all need a little pick-me-up.
Channeling Carrie Bradshaw's annoying yet classic form of questioning, I can't help but wonder if the very lack of Emily Post etiquette adds some color to our lives here. Despite all the shit that goes down in our dorms, etiquette breaches definitely make for the best stories.
