The Drunkest Girls Debate Basement Etiquette
Case:
If there is one thing these drunk girls know about it is basement etiquette. Some would say the basement has no etiquette at all, and to them I say, "You don't know shit." Poor basement etiquette is the one thing that pisses us off more than anything, even more than bad sex or tan girls loudly laughing in the 1902. Those we can deal with. Having spent most of our waking hours in or near a basement we know a few things, hell we've even woke up in the basement a few (cough, a lot) of times and can say with confidence what is and what isn't a basement faux-pas.
Nothing is worse than walking into a basement and running into a gaggle of biddies all wielding purses the basement is not the proper place for you to be displaying your knock-off Louis. Here is some Keystone for thought: what do you possibly have that must be carried in a purse while you're getting your drink on, unless it is a bottle of Lady Gaga's breath (which if we had one we would carry with us at all times) or you're dealing Crystal Meth (highly unlikely) and need your goods to get those dolla dolla billz. Leave the purse at home. We are looking at you, '13s who still haven't got the clue.
Purses are annoying, but people who stand too close to the pong table when we are trying to sink our next half cup are even worse. Pong players need their room, and you awkwardly standing in the way could be the difference between losing the seventh game in a row to two partially blind prospies and running train for the whole night. Being awkwardly close to the pong table during a game is the same as breathing awkwardly into a stranger's ear would you do that? I hope not.
Ordering food to the basement is a great idea, we seriously back that. Do it often. Just ask Jim, we get Gusanoz to the basement thrice weekly. However, it is poor etiquette to order a large extra cheese pepperoni pizza from EBAs and then proceed to not share. Single items are fine, you can't share a burrito; but a whole pizza with a side of glistening ranch is quite sharable. When surrounded by a group of peeps on a Tuesday night who are all just as drunk and hungry as you let these drunk girls just say, you better upgrade that order and get enough to go around. The same does not apply to a crowded party, if you order pizza to the basement when it is packed; you, our not-friend, are just dumb.
Bar etiquette while in the basement is most crucial stand between us and Keystone and we will take you out. Here are some things that will keep you in good taste when you are approaching the bar. Once you get your mostly-foam beer quickly scurry away from the bar and find a nook to savor its sweet nectar goodness, but do not block the path of other party-goers who also want to get their Keystone fix. Additionally don't flirt with the bros (or sisters we aren't gendernormative) behind the bar, you can display your lack of a gag reflex after they have finished working the keg. Also sex behind the bar is in poor taste, take it to the first floor bathroom.
Rebuttal:
The aforementioned breaches of basement etiquette are tried and true. However, like any rule: There are circumstances in which they can and should be broken. Let us elaborate upon the defenses of the weak.
Purses are to be used if and only if you are stealing. Unlike the rest of the world, stealing is not a breach of basement etiquette and while not encouraged can be defended by cries of "get weird!" and "you still have our '89 composite." Purses can also be used as an accessory of a crazy get up for a themed event at a house provided you are not doing a circuit in zany apparel with 37 of your sorority sisters/a capella group members/intramural sports team.
As far as standing close to pong tables this is a pretty hard thing to defend. Alas, we will try for the benefit of you silly drunkards who still think that being shwasty is an excuse for anything beyond injuring yourself or indulging in EBAs for the third time in one week. One is permitted to stand close to a pong table if you are actually stupid. How to define stupidity is a difficult thing so let's just place it somewhere on the scale between Sarah Palin and that house dog whose only trick is chasing a stick. You are also permitted to stand too close if you are physically incapable of movement because a larger, ruder, more obnoxious n00b is doing a pick behind you. However, even in this case, truly graceful basement patrons learn to maneuver their way around and place the blame obviously on someone else.
Not sharing your food is almost always rude, however, some wonderous people can get away with it free of social blame. Should you hoard your food (as most do like a dirty animal) with the grace and poise of truly sweet frat bro a perfect combination between Grace Kelly, Vince Vaughan and Dane Cook you can learn to get out of jail free with comedy, distractions of intermittent shotgunning or some other foolproof form of distraction such as narcotics.
Hovering around the bar is permitted should you actually be boning someone behind there REGULARLY (not once before you "accidently" slept with his roommate 6 days later). You are also permitted to stand between other people and the bar if you are as thin as an O twin, drink your beer within the time it takes to refill a cup or are truly confident that the people behind you are '14s.
As always, Lady Gaga is exempt from all rules as she defies gravity.
The basement is a backwards place where most normal etiquette is left at the door. The one rule to always remember is don't get in the way of a person's weirdness and drunkenness. Keep that in mind and everyone will be happy.
