So ideally I would open with a funny anecdote that showcases my notably awkward dancing ability, except every story I can think of is so tremendously painful that it blows right past "humorously self-deprecating" and instead lands us in "so mortifying that it would actually make the reader uncomfortable on my behalf and would also require that I spend the rest of my senior Spring hiding under my bed." Consequentially I will just leave you with some key phrases, which are "martial arts-inspired ballet," "ill-conceived costume at fifth grade hula party" and "in front of guy I liked at the time."
ANYWAY. I'm (reasonably) sure that I'm not the only one here sadly lacking in dancing ability physical coordination and Ivy-League level scholastic achievement aren't excessively correlated and the few people with talent sufficient to survive dance group tryouts are clearly the exception rather than the rule. Unfortunately for the dexterity-challenged population, there are only a few types of social events that can reasonably take place in a frat, so dance parties and the associated risk of public humiliation are a constant threat. There are of course countless ways to avoid these situations, so I would like to present you with a comprehensive guide to camouflaging your Serious Lack of Skillz:
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Try to learn some basic moves in a gym class. This also has the added benefit of allowing you to graduate. In unrelated news, I am taking three gym classes this term. CAVEAT: If you take a modern class with a catchy name, make sure that you 1. Attend class enough times to actually pass and 2. Double-check that you have printed the version of your unofficial transcript that does NOT include gym classes. While it's pretty damn awkward to have to explain why your transcript includes the phrase "Hip Hop Booty and Abs" in a job interview, it is even worse if the interviewer also knows that you failed. Trust me on this one.
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While at the party, strategically position yourself in the middle of the dense mob on the main dance floor. Everyone else there is either trying to avoid being squished or making out with their conquest of the night, so no one will be focusing on you.
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Volunteer to work the bar. This works best if you are actually a member of the Greek house hosting the party, but later on in the night when everyone has partied too hard to actually remember that they have duties, your offer of help may be gladly accepted by the lone pledge charged with the keg.
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Assist an incapacitated student. Amazingly time consuming, keeps you off the dance floor AND gets you major karma points. Advanced version: get a similarly klutzy friend to pretend to be incapacitated. Pretend to assist her. Admit you are only at the party to be seen at the party and that this is getting ridiculous. Repeat as necessary.
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Be on table. While this is the most socially acceptable way to avoid dancing at a dance party, in a cruel twist of fate, those people who have the athletic talents necessary to shine on the dance floor also annoyingly have the skills to remain on table, selfishly denying this refuge from those who need it most. It does not, however, take any level of physical coordination to call next on three tables and then hover in the area to "make sure you don't get skipped." This is not why I am always asking you what the line is. Really.
