So I was going to write a column called COFFEE IS THE BEST IDEA EVER except then I had a sneaking suspicion that I may have subtly alluded to that concept before. Therefore, instead of extolling the (infinite) virtues of my favorite chemical, today we are going to discuss something almost equally as brilliant: never wearing pants! Pants are, frankly, boring. It's not so much that there's anything specifically wrong with pants as much as that it's just infinitely better and more fun not to eschew them. Case in point: Lady Gaga does not wear pants.
As there are many awesome styles of pants alternatives currently available and I am rather wellversed in all of the options, I would like to present for you now the Definitive Guide to Pantslessness. You are so ready for this.
LeggingsDegree of difficulty: lowAdvantages: Leggings are the staple of your pantsless wardrobe. They usually come in black, which goes with everything. (Admittedly this saves you about two minutes, but in some people's lives, that is a crucial amount of sleep.) Leggings also permit excellent freedom of movement, for all those times you have a random urge to do gymnastics and yet simultaneously they are comfy enough to allow for instant nappage, anywhere, any time. Disadvantages: If frequently worn, leggings may develop holes. You cannot actually fix this by Sharpie-ing the exposed area of skin. If anyone asks, I have weird freckles.
Dresses and SkirtsDegree of difficulty: mediumAdvantages: Fun to twirl around in. Key snagging-some-Green-facetime-accessory.Disadvantages: No pockets. Sometimes makes it impossible to get up from the Green, re: serious flashing everyone hazard.
Tights and StockingsDegree of difficulty: advancedAdvantages: Although tights take the majority of the abuse from the pro-structured-leg-covering crowd (I rejected my invite to the Tights Are Not Pants group on Facebook) they can be good in emergency situations involving really really tight boots or a serious lack of laundry. Tights and stockings can de-skankify outfits involving skirts and dresses of questionable length, because obviously covering your nine miles of exposed leg with semi-transparent netting-type material is completely different than actually displaying bare skin. I don't make the rules, people.Disadvantages: Wearing tights often brings up dicey questions regarding acceptable levels of relative opaque-ness, which is inversely related to the length of the accompanying skirt/tunic/thingamabob that comprises the top part of your outfit. Tights can also rip and run on a whole new scale if this happens to you, I recommend screaming belligerently at any paparazzi that happen to be present and attempting to pass yourself off as Lindsay Lohan.
Those ubiquitous Nike shorts with the different colors on the sidesDegree of difficulty: gym facetimeAdvantages: Comfy. Make you look like a stereotypical sorority girl.Disadvatanges: Make you look like a stereotypical sorority girl.
Skanky Halloween/flair/tails themed costumes:Degree of difficulty: expertAdvantages: This is the pinnacle of your no-pants-wearing career. It also speaks to the actual purpose of not wearing pants, which is to wear as little clothing as possible in a semi-social ly acceptable fashion. Embrace it.Disadvantages: Zero.
