Welcome back from spring break, poppets, and what a welcome it was! Miss Muffin Top is still reeling from her Easter weekend of sunshine. A big thank you to all her friends in the business of global warming. If you didn't believe the science before, certainly you must acknowledge that the end is near now. However, even the coming apocalypse is no reason to abandon all principles and standards of decency. So for your perusal, some early springtime tips about how to navigate that recent refugee camp formally known as The Green.
First, be certain to wear your headphones while you seek your very own patch of dirt. 99rock has been blaring the same alt-rock since 1992 and no one knows why. Although Miss Muffin Top has harbored an undying lust for Kurt Cobain since the fourth grade, she recommends you rock out to own your personal beats lest that musical drivel dampen your sunshine mood.
Also, beware of the 99rock grill. Miss Muffin Top is trying to lose five and their sweet roasting meats make her want to exchange her hundred-calorie strawberry "fruit bar" for their tasty dogs. (But not for those tasty frat dogs, seriously.) Brothers, your puppies on leashes are running all over her lap and sitting in her tote bag. She gets it, your animals are cute and you are in a fraternity. Biscuits for everyone!
While Miss Muffin Top is busy feeding biscuits to the puppies, men are likely leaping shirtless around clusters of young women, hurling Frisbees precariously close to their fawning faces and talking loudly about how much they love the sun. Put your pectorals away, boys, before Miss Muffin top is blinded by the white.
More is more, though. While MMT grows seriously sick of topless strutters (you girls playing football in your bikinis, this means you too), she never tires of streakers. Put your sneakers on and embrace the captive audiences of Spring term's 70-person tour groups and English 47: American Drama.
Just as dangerous as potential interactions with sashaying sunbathers are encounters with snugglers. That is not just one body you are hurdling over, but two. To all you lovers, a friendly reminder: two people, two towels, two pairs of pants. Any and all exceptions to this rule ought to be conserved for senior week's last-ditch efforts at the Dartmouth Seven.
Always remember that sunglasses are the Dartmouth student's most utilitarian accessory. Put those on your faces and I will see you at the Love March.
Kisses.Miss Muffin Top
Dear Miss Muffin Top, Driving back to H-town from spring break, I picked up a friend. We are both senior girls and spent at least an hour of our drive comparing our lists of "last chance '10s." Here is our question: is it a good idea to consider these "to-do" lists? I am worried that with four years behind me, there might be a reason I've never acted on my listed crushes. HoneyDoLittle
Dear Honey,You asked your question just in time! When Miss Muffin Top got your email she was in the midst of preempting the call for "last chance '10" requests and trying to have them all routed through her password-protected inbox. Your message made her feel just guilty enough to stop her scheming.
You see, the "last chance" system is just the sort of romantic notion that melts Miss Muffin Top's chocolate-covered heart. How sweet to think that two people might discover their mutual affection for each other "anonymously" via the internet! Muffin can just picture the film: four years of stolen basement glances, two blitz accounts filled with drafts unsent, and finally that beautiful split-screen shot when each crushing hopeful receives one magical notification! He/she likes you too! Swoon.
In case you hadn't gleaned, Miss Muffin Top is all about the Last Chance. She is not about, however, to recommend that you go chasing after any old two-legged creature that ever struck your fancy. Not everyone belongs on your list just because "you may never see them again!"
Miss Muffin Top thinks you ought to consider your list with care, and cross off all of those friends with whom you are likely to interact post-grad, and all of those whose back-and-forth banter you would miss should it disappear. This "last chance at love" pressure is a figment of the larger Dartmouth imagination, so don't go listing everyone you know and then destroy your five year reunion!
You are, however, running out of chances to complete the Dartmouth seven. If you are feeling springy and ambitious why not go after one of your listed frogs (gasp, without being totally certain that he likes you!) and recruit him to your cause, killing two birds with one stone. Whatever that means.
Protect your prospects!Miss Muffin Top
