Dear Miss Muffin Top,
I'm a sophomore trying to choose my major and I'm at a loss. As a senior, do you have any advice?
undecided
Dear Undecided,
This is the moment of truth. By filing your major card, you have effectively charted your course to becoming your future self. But no pressure! Of course, it is natural to believe that your steadfast hold on your personal identity could never be altered by something so trivial as 12 classes and $800 worth of Greenprinted JSTOR articles (that you skimmed); however, even if you avoid cloistering yourself for eight weeks in a foreign country with 15 other students (see FSP application attached), your major will still have an impact on the new you. It is important that you choose wisely. For your consideration, Miss Muffin Top will provide a brief character sketch of your potential selves Choose Your Own Adventure!
Let's start with philosophy majors. Should you choose to join this species of rare and insular creatures, you will undoubtedly find yourself in a jobless limbo in three years, until you come to the groundbreaking revelation that you must go to law school. All four of your fellow majors will also come to this conclusion, and will get into better law schools than you, based solely on the glowing recommendations of their independent study advisors who counseled them through three terms of Emmanuel Mounier's theory of Personalism. In the interim, enjoy picking fights with perfect strangers at cocktail parties and leaving with the smug satisfaction that you won, but no one noticed.
Should you find yourself scared off by the cold ideologies of the philosophy department, head for Silsby and the warm embrace of sociology, home of A medians and 28-year-old Canadian citizens (Go Big Green!). You will enjoy coursework in The Meaning of the [Home/Identity/Hairstyles], only to find yourself three years later struggling to articulate The Meaning of [Sociology].
Aggressively confident in your own ignorance? Eager to speak up with no facts whatsoever to back up your opinion? Head upstairs to the Government department, but try not to trip over Econ drop-outs and dudes in boat shoes. You'll learn that the solution to world hunger is just one theory away, and anything you say is right, except if you're a conservative.
Behind Silsby Door #3 lies the path to manicured hedges in Greenwich and the constant spector of an SEC hearing.
If you've resigned yourself to marrying rich, you now have the freedom to explore the humanities, home of religion, complit, history and that one for girls who like to put time into their outfits in the morning: art history, the only real female-dominated social space on campus. Luckily for you, rushing this major is easy! The only entry requirements are rote memorization and a penchant for accessories! But, if your memorization skills are lacking, feel free to opt-in to the English department, where the only prerequisites are a cursory knowledge of the abridged works of Shakespeare, one universally employable reference to Faulkner and a nebulous conception of post-modernism. And as for post-grad, don't worry Miss Muffin Top has it on good authority that print media is the wave of the future!
If you find yourself reading Faulkner and saying, "Hey! I could do that! How hard could it be?," then join the Creative Writing department. An intimate class setting will allow you to cultivate a sense of your own creative genius by way of favorable comparison to the mediocre drivel of your uninspired peers. But if you seek a more advanced understanding of your own narcissism, your new home is Moore. The psychology department, where lecture classes and multiple-choice tests ensure the validity of your weekly self-diagnosed personality disorders, is clearly the choice for you (and half the school). Why you are the way you are, while it may be interesting to you, leaves you with little more than a future in public relations and over-parenting your children.
Alternatively, if you possess an interest in learning actual scientific facts and harbor any professional aspirations, a degree in the mysterious "hard" sciences is the way to go. Miss Muffin Top doesn't know anyone pursuing this kind of degree, but she suspects this is because this path leads to a dark lab and a cage of mice, and allows little or no time for leisure pursuits. She hooked up with one once, and never saw him again. Proceed with caution. Do your research, whatever that means.
Of course, if none of these options sounds particularly appetizing, just take whatever classes you want. In the Registrar's Office, they call this: Modifying Your Major. Did you take two engineering classes freshman year? Had a flirtation with studio art? Doesn't matter, Google loves that shit.
So, dear poppets, now that you know what's in store, the most important thing is that you enjoy the process and not get too caught up in the inevitable outcome. You will find yourself senior year resenting the archetype you've become but at least you can make jokes about it! Everyone knows the coolest people are self-deprecating.
Break a leg!Miss Muffin Top
