The Drunkest Girls Write a Bitter Diatribe
As we sat on the stoop of Panarchy drinking forties, watching the L Word and trying to piece together our Winter Carnivals, these drunkest girls started to think about Valentine's day and the fact that we're both alone. Sure, we received generic Happy Valentine's Day text messages from "friends" (each other), but we quickly realized our only Valentine's Day gift was a giant bag of Keystone can toppers from Jack Stinson and that our only true love is Jim from Gusanos. How was our Valentine's Day you ask? Honestly, probably better than yours.
The above statements might make you feel bad for us, but we're really not worried about it. We're sure that if we tried if we went to the gym and ran like ferrets for extended periods of time both of us would be legitimately wifeyed. If we didn't choose pong over sex and simmered down our 24-hour champagne diets, if one of us didn't pass out while literally shaking College President Jim Yong Kim's hand in FoCo Thursday afternoon, if we had somebody to booty call besides Good Sam well, our lives would be very different.
Back to the stoop of despair: we go through the feelings that we have labeled as individual chocolates from a Russell Stover box delivered from one of our parents. We start calling different ones to indulge in (loneliness, drunkenness, body dysmorphia) and we start thinking about who is in relationships at Dartmouth. Clearly our freshman year assumptions that shotgunning faster than a future mate and wearing exorbitant amount of neon spandex (SO ZANY) would get us married by the Spring were inaccurate. Who are these people getting hitched in Hanover?
Well, they're in Phi Tau.
Just kidding.
Everyone complains about the lack of romance at Dartmouth, however there are many couples who dominate certain areas of the campus and simply don't interact with us lesser folk. The members of most Dartmouth couples actually follow a very specific set of trends. These are the characteristics of the people you see but never know, the couples who dominate the Green early Thursday mornings during Spring term and are seen prancing around Fairchild holding hands.
Couples can be found in the Mid-Mass basement watching The Notebook circa 9 p.m. and often cook food in dorm kitchens (they share a locker). On nights out, they are attend a cappella shows and Hop exhibits and sit in the awkward two-person booths at Home Plate. They take 10As. Both members have auto-replys about Haiti. The boy double majors (something interesting and Econ) and the girl maybe rides horses. Real talk with the drunkest girls: We're not lonely, and we're not depressed. You're probably not either. Some couples are cool and some aren't. Some single people are wonderful (although occasionally whiny) and some aren't. Dartmouth's apparent obsession with romance (or the lack thereof) is getting old and we're all going to find love eventually. At least that's what our moms say Now back to the forties and chocolate.
