As dedicated Dartmouth students, we have all heard of the rich history and ingrained traditions that make Winter Carnival what it is today. Less publicized, however, is the robust record of W.C. hookups, made possible solely by the weekend's tendency to melt those frozen pheromones and get everyone's hormones raging more than Mariah Carey's at an all-boys high school. Without further ado, here is the official history of sex throughout the 99 years of Winter Carnival.
1910 Dartmouth Outing Club founder Fred Harris, Class of 1911, sees his idea for a "Winter Meet" come to life in Hanover, sparked by his desire to "get some." Unfortunately for Harris, he is forced to skip the weekend for an ultimate frisbee tournament off-campus. Harris went on to lose his virginity after inventing such other Dartmouth staples as Green Key, Homecoming, the Dartmouth Seven and the Chi Gam Dance Party.
1939 F. Scott Fitzgerald visits Dartmouth over Winter Carnival to write a movie based on the weekend. He hooks up with a visiting female student by wooing her with talk of the American Dream, which he describes as "a pint of warm Keystone and a Spicy Russian cooked to perfection." Later that night, Fitzgerald loses his newfound lover to the charm of a Psi U and claims her infidelity is due to "different social standing."
1973 Women celebrate their first Winter Carnival as students of Dartmouth, thus ending the age-old tradition of penis-shaped snow sculptures. Two students become the first to complete the Dartmouth Seven over the weekend. Both are treated for severe frostbite the next day, but the male student reports, "It was definitely worth it."
1978 First recorded hookup on the snow sculpture. Sculpture engineers attempt to construct a full-size replica of Dartmouth Hall, but due to warm weather conditions, the final product resembles a king-size bed.
1982 Evil Knievel hooks up with freshman girl after impressing her by jumping a record-breaking 112 kegs in Psi U's annual keg jump. Drunk Psi U brother is taken to DHMC after insisting he could "have shmade way more kegs than that."
1994 Male Dartmouth student becomes first to successfully utilize the "I think my penis has frostbite" line to initiate hooking up immediately after participating in the Polar Bear Swim. This hookup pioneer is also believed to have coined the ever-popular closing line, "Do you want to come up to my room to check blitz?"
1998 First annual human dogsled race ends in a massive carnal orgy of flair and sexually inexperienced freshmen.
2000 Dartmouth College officially bans the keg jump, causing uproar from Psi U. Even more controversy ensues when the fraternity replaces the popular event with the "freshman girl jump."
2004 After a successful date at the Dartmouth Skiway's 99-cent ski day, two Dartmouth students consummate their relationship. The male student involved complains this is "the most expensive date" he has paid for at Dartmouth, and decides to "stick to pong dates."
2005 Michael Phelps visits Dartmouth, breaking College records by swimming 20 laps underneath the ice before coming up for breath during the Polar Bear Swim. Phelps loses sponsorships after Facebook photos surface of him hooking up with a girl in BG while taking a bong hit and chugging a ladle.
2008 Inception of the Mr. and Ms. Big Green Competition. The two winners end up making out later that night. The next day, they discover that they are both Sig Eps.
2010 Budget cuts lead to a mass downsizing of Winter Carnival. Hanover Elementary School students are hired to build the snow sculpture. 99-cent ski day is replaced with "99-cent-hotdog-with-purchase-of-full-price-ski-ticket" day. Keg jump is reinstated to generate funds for Dick's House and DHMC. New $10 fee (checks should be payable to Dartmouth College) to jump into the freezing water of Occom Pond. Keystone Light remains "cheap as f**k" and students still play pong and hook up.
