In the midst of the pressing campus dialogue over dolphinz and really freaking brutal pledge terms (the yacht was last seen in Occum Pond, FYI) a more serious issue has egregiously been overlooked THEY ARE TAKING AWAY BLITZ. Yes, you read that correctly. No, you haven't heard about it the administration cleverly sent out a blitz about it, which you, of course, deleted. Crafty.
The replacement program is "up for discussion by a committee" and will probably be decided promptly in 2018 (this is why I have put off chaining myself to the front door of Parkhurst for the maintenance of blitz), but we seriously have to mobilize At Now to keep Blitz alive. Yes, I know that Gmail is actually searchable and functional and does not care that OMGMAILBOXQUOTAEXCEEDEDWTF, and that Microsoft Exchange is...evil, but neither of these two programs has that essential quality that is so important for Dartmouth: the features that allow you to gossip at LIGHTNING speed. The combination of keyboard shortcuts, the DND and the ability to easily forward messages from the actual person you are trashing is crucial.
Given the rapidly declining state of Blitz knowledge on this campus (I was talking to this '13 the other day who DID NOT ACTUALLY HAVE BLITZ INSTALLED ON HIS LAPTOP, but explained to me that he checks Blitz occasionally in the library, like, once a week or so, because if people need to contact him, they just text him). I thought it might be necessary to explain the finer points of using Blitz to gossip. (NOTE: This is completely not based on my actual behavior, but, rather, on that of other, funnier people. I swear.)
A huge advantage of Blitz is that you can always disguise the fact that you are actually just snarking it up by claiming to be taking notes on your computer. (Whipping out your phone to text, dear '13s, is way too obvious.) This is perfect for large group meetings, where you may want to hold a more interesting side conversation or agree that whoever is talking right now seriously needs to just chill dude and shut up, wtf. If you are to use this tactic, however, be careful to intersperse your Blitz typing with some background note typing, or it will be too punctuated. Note: this also applies to surreptitiously blitzing in class. I know some profs seem less than technologically savvy, but trust me, they've noticed that your "note taking" typing is rather sporadic and ends with an emphatic finale of Ctrl+M.
In the event that you do choose to hold a side conversation and that you stray into the realm of less-than-discreetly discussing, say, a fellow Dartmouth student DO NOT I mean seriously, DO NOT put his or her name in the subject line. It is EXTREMELY EASY to accidentally put the name in the "To:" line instead. How amazingly awkward would it be for your blitz ABOUT your random hookup to land in his inbox? Think about it.
(This also goes for the CC line double check that before you send. I swear this is ACTUALLY a friend-of-a-friend story, but in the event that you are blitzing your entire sorority to see if anyone has asked the boy you're "cougaring on" to formal yet, it would probably be better if he were NOT CC'd on that blitz. Just a thought. Oh, and when forwarding Cougar Boy's acceptance of your classy invite to your best friend so that she can help you to compose the perfectly casual response, DO NOT FORWARD IT BACK TO HIM. There is actually no way to explain that one away. Trust me.)
A final note (now that this has moved away from a "guide" into a "list of embarrassing things that I have done that you should not repeat") on the gossip powers of Blitz: remember that every single thing you send can be oh-so-easily forwarded. Yes, things you say can be written down and other messages can be typed up and sent, but overall, people are lazy. If it's actually that confidential, I'm going to give you permission to use your phone, even though it makes my spine hurt to suggest that you should text instead of Blitz. Unless you actually want to end up on IvyGate, in which case, go for it and accidentally BCC your campus list while you're at it.
