My parents usually visit campus over President's Day Weekend, which I have perennially marked on my calendar as the Bountiful Weekend of Canoe Club And Zin's Meals (sorry DDS, it's not me, it's you). Unfortunately due to the divine forces that conspire to make my life awkward, this year that weekend coincides with this quarter's official "Five Day Period of Debauchery." SCHEDULING CONFLICT.
FACT: there is not actually a good way to call your parents and tell them that you have to reschedule dinner because there is a substantial chance that you may be intoxicated at that hour. It is also rather difficult to dance around their suggestion that you have "an early dinner before the parties" because Friday at 5:00 p.m. is definitely not the start of the weekend, but is instead the point where the shitshow that has been building since Wednesday peaks in a campus wide explosion of bad decisions. SIDE NOTE: This is now even more awkward because my parents subscribe to The D (Hi Mom and Dad!).
Here in non-grown-up-land (la la la NOT AN ADULT YET I CAN'T HEAR YOU) it makes perfect sense for a big weekend to start on Wednesday because there's not enough time to do all of the raging necessary in the three hours you go out on a typical middle-of-term weekend. (THEORY: the average person in a frat basement during midterm weeks is closer to passing out from exhaustion than anything else but has gone out anyway in a desperate attempt to prove that she is not a sad, lonely person. Oh wait, that was just me.) Starting unofficially on Wednesday makes it theoretically possible for someone to rage on consecutive days. The uninterrupted stretch of potential party days also provides a good opportunity for those who seek rage facetime to get the word out on how ridiculous they are: omg I've been blacked out for FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT AM I HARD GUYZ???? (Seven disagrees.)
After four years of making WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE make questionable big weekend-related choices, I believe that the Perfect Storm of Bad Decisions is in fact created due to the Wednesday start time it leads to weird omg-it's-already-Carnival-but-I-actually-have-a-10A situations. Although the people who brag about their raging would make it seem otherwise, the majority of us do have actual obligations in the period of time before the more traditional start to the weekend, which makes us antsy. You know some people have already raged their faces off (this is so much worse if you are in a study lounge in Fahey and the loud music from frat row is the soundtrack to your sad, sad midterm review session) and you're so freaking desperate to join in that once you're released from class you are ready to make the very first ill-advised choice that presents itself. NOTE: Some preparation in advance can ensure that this first opportunity is of the less-than-mortally-embarrassing variety pre-plan your pong date.
A note of caution as you throw yourself into the storm of poor choices: there is in fact a line between things you do that are hilariously ragey and things you do that will require you to have conversations with your parents and a lawyer that are way more awkward than rescheduling dinner plans. Dartmouth Bubble Bad Decisions are the kind that will be a great story tomorrow when you are in line with your friend at the Hop. True Bad Decisions are the kind that will be a good story in 20 years, when you get out of prison. REALITY: If you are in prison, you definitely won't be coming up for Green Key. This will seriously impede your ability to make even more bad decisions. Balance is key.
FINAL WARNING: It is possible to accidentally be in the lingerie show. Make sure you are in fact wearing underwear when you go "just to watch." This is for everyone's benefit.
