When she learned of this week's gossip' theme (from the source, guys, like, seriously), Miss Muffin Top decided to boldly go where no muffin had ever been before. Well, at least not anywhere a muffin would admit to having been.
She decided that, to speak the truth about gossip, she would have to interact with some real live gossipers. In real life Miss Muffin Top obviously knows none of these people, so she used her resources and consulted the internet. With some trepidation, Miss Muffin Top put down her cyber-nose and virtually followed the other animals to the watering hole. The watering hole here being, of course, that festering cesspool of rumors and deceit otherwise known as Bored@Baker.
Carefully ensuring that she was typing her own name in the search bar, and not in that other scary bar (side note to intrepid B@B researchers, this is a most necessary precaution, lest you find yourself publicly offering up your own name to vultures that flap about this netherword), she entered: "muffin."
To what should her wandering eyes appear?! Several recent entries, and one of them newsworthy four times over! Miss Muffin Top is delighted that her readers, to whom she is eternally devoted, agree 12 times about the glass walls outside of Novack. Who knew B@B could be the bringer of such bliss. Such validation. With this exciting revelation, Miss Muffin Top pressed the down arrows of her keyboard.
"Hello? Miss Muffin Top?" someone asked on 15 November @ 8:37 pm. And then what what was this? A respondent? Miss Muffin Top was appalled, astonished to find an answer. An answer allegedly from her. Someone was posing as her on 15 November 2009 and saying some atrocious things. Faux top wrote "I actually did have a muffin top freshman winter. I became so disgusted with myself by spring I decided to convert to exercise as my religion. Now I got a banging booty." No, no, no.
First Lesson about B@B: you are never talking to whom you think you are talking. Miss Muffin Top would never quote gossip girl, or use ;) emoticons. Nor would the vast majority of mudslingers in this swampland ever abandon their anonymity by revealing true, personal information of the kind we Dartmouth students believe is useful "useful" information like affiliation, year or, say, name.
Miss Muffin Top being an anonymous creature by design, however, considers herself an exception to this rule. So she announced her presence and prayed that some good might come of this exercise that she would receive some questions she could reproduce in print for the benefit of those more honest souls. "Miss Muffin Top, are you holding office hours on B@B again?" Oh, what punctuation, she thought. Pleasantly surprised, but no, oh no, not again. For the very first time.
Alas, the other cyborgs had very little to ask her and were perfectly content to continue to "biggerfish" each others' faces. Whatever that means. But two questions, two good questions emerged. One:
"Miss Muffin Top, I am in a B-side house. Can I still hook up with A-side chicks? And how can I accomplish that?" (five agrees, five disagrees) and two:
"Is it good or bad if someone is dtf?" (four agrees).
Two valid questions, requiring two thoughtful answers. Stay tuned while I meditate on these inquiries. In the mean time, if you must go on B@B, stop posing as me. I see you faux-top. And I will find out who you are.
Take care of yourselves this weekend, poppets. Winter Carnival fast approacheth.
In vino veritas, Miss Muffin Top
