The Gospel According to Matthew

Someone inserted the words "Grades at Dartmouth" into the 25-cent bauble vending machine otherwise known as my brain, and look what cheapo little plastic things popped out!

1. THE LYRICS TO LADY GAGA'S NEW SINGLE, "CHEAT ON YOU."
   Flash cards, avant garde, Work so hard, mmm, so hard Professor Gaga's gonna grade you,Yeah, I will enslave you.

Andy Warhol and Grace Jones: The class in Gaga's not for hos. String theory, chemistry: experiment On me, experiment on me

So your grade point's kind of average, But your body's kind of slammin'Yeah, yeah. Hit the books, memorize that beat. It's just biology, baby, synthesize that beat

Don't care if you're grade-A (meat!) I'm gonna cheat on you. So you think you're in the Ivy (league!)You know I'm gonnaCheat on you Cheat on you.

1. A REJECTED ENTRY TO "SEVENTEEN" MAGAZINE'S "TOTAL TRAUMARAMA" FEATURE, ENTITLED, "I GAVE MY PROFESSOR A BLOODY NOSE!"
   "So I hadn't been to class in three weeks and I kind of bombed the midterm. I went to talk to my prof in office hours and I thought, okay, this will be just like in the movies! I got this! So I asked to borrow a pen and I leaned wayyy across his desk, so he could see my boobs yeah? But then, my heel twisted and I lost my balance. I fell face first into him and cracked into his skull like SMACK. He was bleeding everywhere. What were you thinking?' he asked me. Disaster. I was so embarrassed. Luckily, I offered to make it better with a blowjob. Quick thinking! Saved by the bell! (I aced the class)."

   1. IF GRADES WERE EMOTICONS THAT RESEMBLE SMALL DOGS. A: !<(^.^)>! B: (>'.')>C: <(OO)>Whatever comes after a C: <(xx)>Citation: :* <==8

2. IF GRADES AT DARTMOUTH WERE ONE OF THOSE SCULPTURES MADE OUT OF A TREE TRUNK WITH A CHAINSAW. It would look like one of those sculptures made out of a tree trunk with a chainsaw. Except inflated. Really inflated.

3. IF PROFESSORS WERE TO GRADE THIS COLUMN.

They would give it a C+, with points for creativity.

But when they receive the letter from Dick's House explaining that I am suffering from osteoporosis, plus see the way I feebly smile and sparkle while making positive contributions to class discussion despite my crippling illness, AND take into consideration the spell-binding title of my final essay (A cryptogram, a preposterous movie, a writing on the wall': Lacan's Mirror Stage in Kafka, Lowry, and the Epic of Gilgamesh") they will clearly give me the "A" I deserve.

Sparkle, ; -) sparkle.