My major experience with managing cash flow consists of trying to remember which of the thirty Starbucks cards floating around in the bottom of my purse actually has a positive balance, so I'm obviously the first person who you should ask for advice on a complicated financial situation. For some mysterious reason, the College administration has declined to recognize my latent abilities in these matters. I received a very rude follow-up blitz concerning my application to the Student Budget Advisory Committee apparently trading in all of the library furniture for giant playground equipment doesn't actually save us any money and they are accepting Serious Applications only. Fortunately, I have a somewhat captive audience at my disposal (face it, you've already read the Overheards and ignored the News section) so this is my chance to let loose some budgetary genius. Stand back.
How to Save Mad Cash, Farley style
- Clean the College-owned Greek houses less often.
I realize that this actually seems like the Worst Idea Ever, but trust me, there is a happy medium between "Oh My God, I think I got a staph infection from breathing at AD" and "I feel comfortable eating tragically spilled EBAs off of the first floor at Sigma Delt." Seriously there is no reason that toilets be scrubbed spic and span every single morning and to be frank, any cleaning effort on Wednesday morning is going to be undone in a matter of hours. Also, this will make my life significantly less awkward because I will stop running into janitors at 6 a.m. in the middle of my all-nighters and freaking them out.
- Put ALL of the lights on motion sensors.
This will pay for itself by 2587, easy, and in the mean time, I will get to pretend that I have magic powers ALL OF THE TIME. The Sun God may have his own soundtrack but I can turn on lights WITH MY PRESENCE. Do it.
- FoCo TVs.
Yes, I know that $1000 TVs do not solve million dollar budget problems and that this joke has been done to death in The Mirror, but stay with me here. Forget selling the TVs I say that we raffle off tickets to smash them! It will be like that scene in Office Space with the printer, but with 8,000 times as much dangerous broken glass and plasma leaking everywhere. Freaking awesome, plus I'm pretty sure we can cut some kind of official stress-relief program and substitute HULK SMASH TVs in its place.
- Fine students for every minute they are late to 10As on Thursday.
Charge $2 per minute for sleeping in, $5 per minute for Wednesday-night-rage-related offenses. In unrelated news, I just became completely broke.
- Introduce some changes to the upperclass UGA program.
I'm not suggesting we cut it entirely, but I think it would be interesting to introduce an element of chance. If more than 75 percent of your residents can state your name and pick you out of a lineup, you get paid. If not, you pay the College. Note: this may mean you have to actually have and attend floor meetings with randos who all had terrible housing numbers and are bitter. Might just be easier to pay up.
- This is directed specifically to Joseph Mehling '69 Start charging people for mad sweet Dartmouth homepage facetime.
Although I admit it's possible that I hang out with a very weird segment of campus, I know several people willing to pay upwards of four figures in order to get that sick shot of them strolling casually across the Green in a primo location. Caitlin Boucher '10 would like to put it out there that she's willing to talk serious cash to realize her lifelong goal of greeting everyone on their browsers. Seize this opportunity while it lasts.
- End Fall term before Thanksgiving.
This not only cuts down on OMFG Finals Are In Two Days And I Just Spent All Weekend In An Airport Expenses (holes punched in walls aren't cheap to repair), but also allows the College to rent out the campus to interested parties for a giant game of Chistmas-themed Manhunt.
- And finally, the obvious, gut wrenching suggestion: Charge me, personally, $100 per cup of DDS coffee. We'll have a balanced budget in about a week three days if it's midterms!
It's the least I can do.
