Due to the consequences of the fickle financial system, I will not be able to make my journey into the season of rebirth and revelry, of fertility and romance, of conches and coolers and knock-off Corona bikinis. If one doeth survive the icy draft that overwhelms those ill-fated frequenters of the 1902 room, such sanctuary awaits.
Yes, I speak of spring, but not of the man-eating mud puddles that characterize Spring term in Hanover. Instead, I speak of spring break MTV style Spring Break, no less.
For this reason, I curse you, Economic Turndown. I have spent many a night dreaming of Acapulco, of securing my place among the "thousands of beautiful baby-oiled people" that mtvU claims to film. For those of you who already booked with StudentCity, the official travel agent of MTV Spring Break, I fare thee well. Alas, the Center for Women and Gender rejected my proposal to travel to the epitome of exotica Mexico in hopes of observing beach-goers, specifically those sporting oversized, airbrushed T-shirts. They called S&S after I refused to leave and demanded that CWG recognize the empowerment that a leopard-print tankini entails. Live a little, eh?
I present to you, nevertheless, a survival guide for adventurous beach-goers who yearn to cast aside their auntie's SPF 50 for tanner pastures.
Although a breathtaking view of an untouched Caribbean beach at sunrise has its advantages, save it for August with the fam. On spring break, you don't wake up early and after that fifth Jaeger bomb, you cannot possibly channel the mindset of a pensive artiste awakening to the ethereal beauty of life. Read: if Ke$ha were on spring break, she'd feel like P. Diddy after he brushed his teeth with five Jaeger bombs, that is.
While you might be capable of channelling the Diddy, feeling like Tonya from the Real World Chicago is an enviable goal in its own right. Tonya's eight Real World/Road Rules challenge appearances exemplify the spring break lifestyle, with hangovers, cougar fights and deliberate wardrobe malfunctions galore.
How does Tonya feel in the mornings, you ask? Tonya feels tan. Google-Image "spring break" and look past the arguably illegal photos of high schoolers and take pleasure in the browned bums of countless spring breakers (Snookie lookalikes?! You're jealous). Toss aside your Ugglies and Tims and reach for your favorite DHA-infused self-tanner even before hitting the beach. Or, try my FDA-despised product of choice: Dangerous Obsession, Extreme Critical Intensity (...but actually, google it). You'll be Jersey Shore-worthy before you even step foot in its overrated sand.
Once your coconut oil shellac has set, grab your go-to koozie and get out there! Also known as the redneck refrigerator, the koozie is a spring break necessity, for everyone knows that it is physically impossible to hold a cold beverage in one's bare hands. The ingenious foam sleeves come in countless colors and designs, one of which will surely express the true you. Use a black and gold koozie, for example, and your Bud can be a Saints fan, too (WHO DAT)! What's more, a personalized koozie can broadcast to a beach of randos your frat or sorority affiliation, which on Spring Break Island might actually be legit.
Finally, you might be considering an Alternative Spring Break, but I urge you to suppress your do-good impulse to realign the cosmos and reconsider. Examine the term "alternative" and the answer seems obvious: no one likes alternative music; therefore, no one likes alternative spring break. Would you associate yourself with Fall Out Boy and all for which it stands? I didn't think so. Unless South Dakota pulls an SAE and imports sand, fake palms and a glorified Slurpee machine, count me out. For those of you already signed up to advocate for agricultural laborers' rights in Immokalee, Florida, keep in mind that Panama City, the site of last year's MTV Spring Break, is a mere 550 miles to the northwest. My advice? Choose to celebrate the end of winter in the more admirable manner: pack your airbrushed trucker hat and white rubber flip-flops and make a "break" for Panama City.
