Dear Miss Muffin Top,
I was surprised when I saw this hottie I didn't recognize at Collis this morning. I want to find out more, how?
CuriousCat
Dear Cat,
Miss Muffin Top hates to state the obvious, but the decent and humane thing to do in this situation is to introduce yourself. Where's the fun in that though?
In our small hamlet, first encounters occur largely in one of two contexts.
The vast majority, are of course, lubricated. This frees one from the necessity of caring if your newest beloved suffers from anti-social personality disorder or makes pickles under the bed, as did one memorable suitor.
Unfortunately, the rest of the time, you're sober.
The movies would have Miss Muffin Top believe that in the real world, mature adults, faced with this situation would ask the object of their interest to meet and "get to know them better" over a cup of coffee or preferably, a whiskey. In the age of the Internet however, Miss Muffin Top has found that this step can be bypassed with very little difficulty. In fact, it can even be fun. Some would call this stalking. Miss Muffin Top prefers to consider herself simply exercising a "love of learning."
Step One: Cut a hole in the box, or alternatively, ask around.
Chances are, unless he's a transfer, there are no more than two degrees of separation between you and your soon-to-be semi date. Ask a few carefully chosen friends, especially those of the type who boasted an exorbitant amount of extra-curriculars freshman year, and you'll certainly find at least a scent. This can be a gold-mine of everything from quirky anecdotes, to psychological diagnoses, to of course, romantic history.
Step Two: Google that shit.
Miss Muffin Top despises those who accuse liberal arts of having no applicable purpose in this fictional "real world." She has found that the research skills accrued over her tenure have proved invaluable in this post-Facebook world where a simple name search no longer means just a pictorial history. Google is best and quotation marks are useful.It is no secret that people at Dartmouth have interesting histories. Thankfully, it is relatively easy to find out if you're romancing the middle school Scrabble champion, or the owner of a sadly misguided myspace/blog/youtube channel.
Finally, Poppet, once you've finished sleuthing and find you're still interested, you must remember the number one rule of Fight Club. No talking. Feign surprise as he spontaneously shares the web site of his high school Eagles cover band and pour yourself a martini. Shaken, not stirred.
Cheers!
Miss Muffin Top
Happy midterms, dear readers! Miss Muffin Top has seen you around the library and thought it appropriate to share with you several midterms-friendly methods to notoriety.
Miss Muffin Top's Do's and Don'ts of Midterm Facetime:
DO take one full sweep of the stacks. Catch up on the cardio you're not doing and you're guaranteed to see everyone.
DON'T contribute to the frenetic environment that is the 1902 room. Just because it's past 2:00 a.m. doesn't mean you can't be civilized. There is somebody there with more work than you and everyone will appreciate your calming influence.
DO take the elevator next to computer services down to the basement to print the three weeks worth of reading you haven't done. It's courteous to others and the ding of the elevator will announce your presence to all of FFB.
DON'T converse in places you should not. This is the fastest route to the worst kind of facetime. You will quickly become the target of the irrational ire of those with extremely volatile chemical imbalances.
DO manage your refuse. Nobody will be able to see your face if its buried under empty cans of Brain Toniq and Sunja detritus. Also, its gross.
DON'T use the glass wall outside of Novack as your own personal full-length mirror. Turns out, people can see you checking yourself out.
DO position yourself in the infernally long Novack line. Read the paper. This shows intellectual curiosity, willingness to think outside of American Fiction to 1900, as well as excellent taste (self-call).
And hey, all you need are: nice leggings, nice flannel, nice boots.
See you in the stacks!
Miss Muffin Top
Bored at Baker? Submit your social etiquette queries to askmissmuffintop@gmail.com
