Different Strokes for Different Folks

Usually, the rule of thumb is that if you are sick enough to miss class (excluding Thursday morning "sickness"), you are probably too sick to be sharing saliva with someone. Being from Utah, however, I know firsthand that abstinence is not always the best form of sexual education.

Therefore, if those hormones are raging more than your 103-degree fever, at least make sure you practice safe sick sex. Here are a few rules to follow if you choose to get down with the sickness:

1. If you are too sick to share cups with your partner while playing pong, then you are too sick to hook up. Fortunately, at Dartmouth, no one is ever too sick to share cups.

2. If you are in a long-term relationship, there is no way your partner will stay healthy if you get sick, so go hog wild. H1N1 loves company.

3. If you are quarantined in Dick's House, you probably shouldn't hook up ... unless the patient in the room next to you has a sexy-sounding cough. A word of warning, however: Dick's House beds may be narrower than the extra-long twin in your dorm room.

4. If you meet a cute girl with pneumonia, and you currently have swine flu, feel free to do the dirty. It's common knowledge that you can't get TWO diseases at once, duh.

5. If you have a sexually transmitted disease, don't hook up. Seriously. Except if you have herpes ... those old people in the commercials always look so happy.

6. It's scientifically proven that alcohol kills germs, so if you are sick and still need to hook up, at least make sure you drink a sufficient amount of Zhenka before doing so.

7. If you are too sick with the influenza virus to hook up, don't give your computer a virus too by watching porn. The only institution that beats fewer viruses than Dick's House is Computing Services. And the wait is usually longer.

8. If you are sick but still feel the urge to hook up, make sure you wear one of those medical face masks from Dick's House. Think of it as a "mouth condom."

9. Make sure your professor thinks you are sicker than the person hooking up with you does.

10. If you are into religious-type healing, try the missionary position and say a prayer. God doesn't listen if you say it during reverse cowgirl.