Dear Miss Muffin Top,
I am baffled by sleepover politics. When I go home with someone, what message am I sending when I stay the night? What about when I don't? I can't figure it out. What should I do?
Sleepless in Smith
Dear Sleepless,
In the immortal words of The Clash: "Should you stay or should you go?" As all punk rockers know, this is not an easy question to answer. In the interest of obtaining a range of opinions (range being a relative term), Miss Muffin Top polled her carbohydrate-loving cohorts and discovered that they are of mixed minds on this issue.
Her good friend, Holly Goflightly, rarely meets a man she doesn't leave in the night. Terrified of daylight in fraternities especially, Holly loathes lingering. For her, the morning cuddle is the equivalent of Chinese water torture. Holly's spirit animal is the coyote. The animal who would sooner chew off her own leg than be caught in an awkward, extra-long twin-sized trap. She hates morning breath and roommate interactions and forced breakfast invitations.
That being said, even if Holly was certain that she'd met her prince, she would behave in the exact same way. If you've met one of Holly's breed, it is important to remember not to take her behavior personally. If you are Holly, don't be too conscious of your message. Sometimes sleeping in your own bed for four hours is enticing. So leave.
Alternatively, Miss Muffin Top sought the council of her good friend, Sleeping Beauty, who almost always stays. For Beauty, the warmth of a room and the comfort of a happy snuggler are the primary benefits of going home with someone in the first place. It would never occur to her to flee, because she only leaves the party with men worthy of spending the whole night with. This does not mean she is in love with everyone, just that she is by nature an intimate creature, with a different set of criteria. Also, Beauty is lazy and she cannot be bothered to leave.
What is to be gathered from this polling? If it feels right, stay the night. If you want to go, you need to go. You can pursue future evenings in either scenario. Whether you are an overthinker or you go with the flow, trust your instincts.Sweet Dreams,Miss Muffin Top
Dear Miss Muffin Top,
Should I roll with weird ass shit?
Freaked out
Dear Freak,
It depends on your definition of "weird ass shit." Miss Muffin Top has encountered some alarming surprises, which include (but are not limited to): animals, waterbeds, pickles under beds, mirrors on the ceiling, closets full of black sketchers, nothing on the walls, nothing in the room, no sheets on the bed, dogs, rabbits, beds held up with chains, traced girlfriend's feet on ceiling, legions of dip cups, odors, creepy photos, self-portraits, products, no products, excessive matching, monogramming, decorative schemes, piercings, shoes in bed, visible porn, clap on lights, insomniacs, tambourines (which she was expected to play) and half-naked record collection tours. Once, Miss Muffin Top found someone from her own hometown, only to receive an irate phone call from her mother, asking why the Liebermans had invited their family to Passover.
So you see, poppet, if this was a shit competition, Miss Muffin Top would take home the prize. Sometimes there is an explanation. Sometimes there isn't. And sometimes you just don't want to know.
If indeed his room looks like a scene from the Bedford Penitentiary, get out while you can. You are in a potentially dangerous situation. If not, roll. Miss Muffin Top advises you to think of it as material for your Great American Novel, and tell your parents to switch synagogues.
Forgive and Forget!Miss Muffin Top
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