Dear Miss Muffin Top,
My best bro possesses none of the wit, confidence, charm or swagger of the senior males of yesteryears, but the younger set doesn't seem to mind. I feel like I'm competing for my friend's attention. How can I maintain the upper hand without coming off as a huge bitch?
Not Bitter Girl
Dear Not Bitter,
Miss Muffin Top empathizes. You are correct. Neither the older boys nor the younger girls are as witty, confident or charming as they were three years ago. However, it would behoove you to wipe that scowl off your face it will only result in wrinkles.
Instead, Miss Muffin Top recommends that you welcome these blushing beauties into your fold. The ever-more-rigorous admissions process has ensured that they do, in fact, have something to offer. And besides, your relationships with these doe-eyed freshmen will, in all likelihood, last a lot longer than their budding romance with your ... buddy. Temper your tyrannical impulses. Your bro won't resent you and the freshmen already think you're cool, so reach around and pat yourself on the back for fulfilling the obligation of your senior womanhood. (Miss Muffin Top just tried, and has found she can no longer reach.) See you at Canoe!Miss Muffin Top
Dear Miss Muffin Top,
I'm really scared of rush. I've never been good at flirting with other girls. Do you have any rush tips?
petrifiednewmember
Dear PNM,
Ah, Rush. The season of uneaten bagel bites.
Luckily, Miss Muffin Top is well-versed in the art of girl-flirting, and has found that arming yourself with the answers to a few basic questions can make all the difference.
You will, without a doubt, be confronted with the staple: "What do you do on campus?" Even if you have nothing to show for the many blitz bulletins you signed up for freshman year besides a wonky mug from Davidson Pottery Studio, take Miss Muffin Top's advice: Spin It. You are now a ceramicist. In fact, you are the world's funniest ceramicist! Fake it 'til you make it.
If presented with a question you can't answer, ask your conversational partner about her costume. Like all upperclasswomen, even when Miss Muffin Top isn't talking about herself, she's thinking about herself.
And poppet, should all else fail, beeline for the carrot sticks!
See you tonight,Miss Muffin Top
Dear Miss Muffin Top,
I am one of the 47 flu-like cases. How do I spice up my quarantined life?
Convalescent QT
Dear Convalescent QT,
Just because Dick's House has got you on lockdown doesn't mean that the only relationship you can have is with your thermometer. I have three words for you: Flitz, Flitz, Flitz! If there's one thing Miss Muffin Top values, it's a well-crafted e-mail message and not the kind sent from your Verizon Wireless Blackberry.
Take advantage of your condition and play hard to get. Utilize your unavailability, but under no circumstances reveal its cause. You might be available next week. MIGHT. In the more lucid moments that punctuate your Nyquil-induced comas, spread intrigue, not swine. See you never!Miss Muffin Top
Bored at Baker? Submit your social etiquette queries to askmissmuffintop@gmail.com
