Dear Miss Muffin Top,
How do you know if you are dating at Dartmouth?
Down to Settle Down
Dear DTSD,
When Miss Muffin Top was a wee cupcake, she would fall asleep listening to the story of how her parents met at Dartmouth at something called a "fraternity formal."
At a mythical place called Whaleback Mountain, Miss Muffin Top imagined her mother regally descending a staircase like a Disney princess, with her husband-to-be clutching a glass slipper at the bottom of the stairs. It was the most romantic thing Miss Muffin Top had ever heard.
Imagine her surprise to find herself, some years later, at this very same formal. It was nothing like Miss Muffin Top imagined, in fact it was no kind of date! When Miss Muffin Top confronted her mother, she discovered that she had, in fact, broken her heels and fallen face first down the stairs. And her broprince charming held not a glass slipper, but the tap to a keg of Keystone. ALAS!
The lesson, poppet, is that Romance at Dartmouth is like nowhere else on earth. Hobbitses are tricksy. But you are right to be confused, because at Dartmouth no one knows "what is a date?" Just because you're wearing a formal dress, doesn't mean it is a date. When you swipe your own ID card and return to a table for two at Home Plate, is it possibly a date?
And pong? Some say yes. Miss Muffin Top begs you, no. Use your head. Bending over in your heels to grab a syphilis-encrusted ping-pong ball is not a date.
To complicate matters further, there is no clear delineation between on and off campus. There are no rules. Just because it is off campus, doesn't mean it is a date. Morning-after coffee at the Dirt Cowboy? He thinks it's a date. Not a date.
In line at Lou's and Becky brings you a free Powerade? Not a date. You have alcohol poisoning.
Are you only extra-curricularly involved on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday? You are probably not dating, so you probably shouldn't bring him to brunch with your parents.
So, how do you know? Miss Muffin Top hates to be vague, but this is a case for your own good judgment. Sober flitzing? A good sign. His family knows who you are? Also an indication that you might be dating. But the gold standard is that elusive mistress, Monogamy. The tricksiest of all hobbitses. If your romantic interest propels you through on and off-terms, through 30 pounds and serious mood swings, congratulations, I now pronounce you, boyfriend and wife.
Mazel Tov!Miss Muffin Top
Dear Miss Muffin Top,
I keep seeing cutiees working in the library. Employees and students. How do I meet these studious studs?
Stack Stalker
Dear S.
One, agree.
You are correct in noticing that lots of hotties seek their facetime on the First Floor Berry. But sealing the deal with these celebrities is easier than you think. Don't be deterred by those econ spreadsheets, because they are on the Facebook like you and me. Headphones in ears? They can still hear you, so you should probably talk about how cute they are. This will catch them off guard, and they will reveal their eavesdropping. Make eye contact and flash your pearly whites. He WILL blitz you.
If he works at the info desk, a swift kick to the Greenprint will bring him running right over. Greenprint is always broken and you need lots of paper.
In other news, Miss Muffin Top herself has been scoping out the library scene and is particularly interested to know the identity of the cutie who mans the Baker Entrance Desk. She would like a personal tour of the facilities.
Please send all information regarding Baker lobby attendants or any social etiquette questions to askmissmuffintop@gmail.com.
Happy Hunting!Miss Muffin Top
