In honor of PRIDE Week, I was going to wax poetic about different ways that the Dartmouth student body has made me proud over the years. I was in the mood to highlight certain events that have exemplified the high quality of the community members we have here at Dartmouth (The Rally Against Hatred, Fieldstock, etc.). However, this was all before I took a stroll down to Novack Cafe and my mood (and subsequently this article) took a turn for the salty.
Now, I don't know how familiar the greater campus body is with the monstrosity that I'm about to describe, but in Novack -- on the wall across from the creams, sugars and variety of jams -- a collage of over 50 small signs creates an exhibit titled, "I Wish I Had Known."
The only thing that I'm proud of with regard to this display is that it cost the College no more than $9.50 (one pad of construction paper and a six-pack of Sharpies). The aspects of this exhibit that bring nausea to my stomach are twofold: one, the plethora of lies that are being spread through this false advertisement of wisdom, and two, the fact that the tidbits that actually are true gems, you are supposed to find out on your own -- not by getting a coffee, filling it up with cream and sugar and happening to look to the right.
Every time I walk by the exhibit, impulses of vandalism flood my conscious. But since I'm not in the business of giving the College reasons to prevent me from graduating, I'm going to attack this seemingly harmless exhibit the only legal way I know how, via The Dartmouth, America's Oldest College Newspaper, est. 1799.
First, the lies:
Sign 1: "I didn't have to major in econ to have a valid academic career. College is short, follow your passion."
Yes, it's cute and fuzzy, but it's also blatantly false. Yes, you should follow your passions because college is indeed short, but that passion better be economics or prepare for a world of hunger and homelessness.
Sign 2: "It is good to be different."
This is only true at Whipstock '09, where style points are awarded for uniqueness and creativity. In no other instance is any variation from blending in, conforming and being a follower encouraged or allowed.
Sign 3: "People steal."
People do not steal on this campus. People punish absentmindedness and carelessness. "Stealing" has such a malicious tone to it, and should not be used to describe the act of taking an all-black North Face fleece out of a fraternity vestibule. These acts are done purely to remind people how not to act once they get in the real world. Using your Rolex as a seat-saver in the library while you go on a Club Soccer tournament for three days does not fly in the real world, which is why when you get back from that tournament, someone will have done you a favor and stolen your Rolex. Not for their sake, but for yours.
Sign 4: "Everyone's butt sweats."
Whoever wrote this needs to stop projecting on the rest of campus. Does my nose sweat the second I start talking to a girl? Yes. Is my only saving grace from being someone that sweats a lot the fact that my pheromones trigger an "OMG IT'S THE JONAS BROTHERS" reaction from grown women? Yes. But does my butt sweat? No.
As previously mentioned, not all of the signs are false. But the problem with the true ones is that they were supposed to be secrets that I thought only I would ever know about. This exhibit is cramping my style as of late, mainly because I'm being forced to share my former simple pleasures in life with the rest of campus.
A few of the former secrets:
Sign 5: "You can take CDs out of the Howe and Paddock Libraries."
This is literally the only reason I have not been sued into oblivion for downloading music, because it was free and because all of the music was at my disposal. Now when I go to Paddock, someone has already swung by and taken Jock Jams volumes one through seven. Thanks a lot.
Sign 6: "If you go to dinner at 5:55 p.m., the lines are a lot shorter."
Way to go, "I Wish I Had Known." For three years, I have made a very conscious point to go to Food Court a little early, as to beat the rush, and I honestly felt as if I deserved it, because, not to toot my own horn, it's a brilliant strategy. Now that it's at the forefront of campus's mind to beat the dinner rush, you have people showing up at 5:45 to beat the 5:55 rush, and even people showing up at 5:35 to beat the 5:45 rush. And what do I do, you ask, to combat all of this? I eat Gusanoz seven times a day.
Sign 7: "S&S will give you rides across campus if it is late and you seem sober."
This takes the cake as the most inappropriate (and blatantly disrespectful) thing to post in a public space. Not a single one of you deserves a ride from Safety and Security purely because it is late. Back when the assumption was that you had to be hurt to get a ride, a fountain of creativity was displayed by those of us lazy enough to want to walk across campus at 3 a.m.
Hiding crutches in every residential cluster was an obvious move, but doing other genius things such as claiming to have been sprayed by a skunk (when you actually just haven't showered for five days), or lying at the bottom of a flight of stairs wearing rollerblades citing a "misunderstanding" were examples of creativity at its pinnacle. Telling campus that if it's late enough you can secure a ride is not only insulting to me personally, but insulting to all of the innovators dispersed throughout this great community.
Is there even any point in being a senior anymore? We might as well live in a hierarchy-free society where the seniors are no longer walking, talking deities full of wisdom, and the freshmen are no longer serfs that specialize in hard labor for the seniors. The "I Wish I Had Known" display is the second worst thing that has ever happened at Dartmouth (Hip Hop in the Hood being the first). I'll be the first to say that either the display goes, or consider this my official 44 days notice.
