I've decided not to follow the theme of Dartmouth families and legacies; I think they get enough facetime on these new buildings James Wright built with his bare hands. I will, however, talk about the two things that have been dominating my thoughts for the past week -- those being Three 6 Mafia tickets and swine flu -- and how upset I am that I didn't get either.
The fact that I, Rembert Molineaux Browne II, did not get a ticket to see Three 6 Mafia, but 400 of you did is a complete travesty. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I soundly believe that I might be the student most deserving of a front row spot at the Three 6 Mafia concert. Sure, this may seem like a bold claim, but as you will soon see, numbers don't lie.
Three 6 Mafia Survey Results:
Had heard of Three 6 Mafia before April 15: 1,300 students
Has at least one song by Three 6 Mafia in their iTunes library: 850 students
Can name the movie Three 6 Mafia won an Oscar for: 319 students
Has seen an episode of Three 6 Mafia's reality show "Adventures in Hollyhood": 90 students
Cried when Three 6 Mafia won an Oscar (tears of pride, not laughter): 65 students
Could pick Juicy J out of a lineup: 28 students
Has been court ordered to pick Juicy J out of a lineup: 12 students
Can name the six people that have cycled through Three 6 Mafia over the years: four students
Made a mix CD entitled "The Official Three 6 Mafia SB 2005 ATL to CANCUN Mixtape": one student (And one professor? Go figure).
Will never forget what happens at 3:14 in the "Sippin' On Some Syrup" video. Seriously, never: one student.
Yes, community, I am that one student left standing. Triple Six is solely responsible for my admittance and success at Dartmouth, and my college is not even giving me the opportunity to see my mentors. Because I do believe in the power of the press to make a difference in the world, I have developed an action plan: have Louise Erdrich, the 2009 commencement speaker, speak at Alumni Hall in front of 400 adoring students, and have Three 6 Mafia not only receive an honorary degree from the College, but also perform at Commencement.
I know this seems borderline insane, but believe me, I have thought this all the way through and there are absolutely no issues with this. In order to speak at Commencement, you have to be someone worthy of an honorary degree from the College.
Over College President James Wright's tenure, he has given honorary degrees to such iconic public figures as Hank Aaron (home run king), J.K. Rowling (B-side author), Mr. Rogers (style maverick) and Tom Brokaw (voice of an angel).
He hasn't, however, awarded one to anyone who has also been acknowledged by the Academy. This is President Wright's chance, in his last hurrah, to truly show how much he cares for the arts, and more specifically, how important it is to have such storytellers like Three 6 Mafia grace Dartmouth's landscape. Although you haven't made any public statements about this switch of performers, President Wright, I trust that you will do what is right. You always do.
So, now that my Three 6 Mafia issue has been taken care of, if I could only get swine flu, my Dartmouth experience would truly be complete. In my own head, it's a no-brainer why I would want to get swine flu. But to others, apparently, it takes an explanation before they truly understand where I'm coming from.
I know that with swine flu, there's a chance you could get really sick, and it's probably not the most fun thing that could ever happen to you. But at the end of the day, all that matters to me is that if you get swine flu, you get quarantined. Quarantined, people. Quarantined.
I have spent my entire life wanting to be quarantined. And not like somewhere plush where I'm fed seven times a day, given body massages whenever I hit the "body massage" call button, and supplied with a never ending supply of smoothies from The Remix. I'm talking thrown in a five-by-seven room with white walls, given some goulash every now and then, and constantly told by my guard, "There's no way you can escape."
Then I want to pull an Andy Dufresne a la "Shawshank Redemption," and figure out an ingenious way to escape.
I hope there is someone in this school that will give me this opportunity. I know all of the cases so far came back negative, and believe me, I'm very happy about that -- mainly because I never got the feeling that those students were as passionate about swine flu as I am. This illness should only come to those that want it or deserve it, and I am that ideal candidate. Even though the odds are against me, and I'm probably going to be forced against my will to live a life of good health with the right to move from place to place, I'm not giving up hope.
All I am asking of you, Dartmouth, are these two simple, everyday requests. Get Three 6 Mafia an honorary degree and let them perform "Slob on my Knob" in front of my great-aunt on June 14, and expose me to swine flu and put me in a high surveillance situation that is seemingly impossible to escape -- but accidentally give me the tools necessary to do so. Should these two small wishes be granted, I will gladly give my life savings to Dartmouth so that students in the future can have the same experiences that you have given me.
