Tattoos are not art. If they were art, then that would imply that biker bars and punk rock concerts are museums; and that is simply not true. Although I have already won this, I will continue.
When we are young, our parents tell us many things not to do. Don't drink, don't do drugs, don't smoke, don't get a tattoo.
While we are now at an age when we are quick to disregard our parents' warnings, there are actually several good reasons not to get a tattoo. The biggest of these is that tattoo parlors are sketchy and can kill you.
Some tattoo parlors have creepy neon signs and are staffed by inked up guys with monosyllabic names -- this in itself is sketchy.
Sometimes the staffers have adjectives in front of their names like "Mean Mike" or "Dumpster Dan." This is even sketchier.
But if this doesn't phase you, and you proceed to enter the parlor and pay to have said sketchy guy stick you with a needle repeatedly, make sure the place is up to sanitary standards. While there may be state health codes in place for tattoo parlors, I'm not taking any chances.
Also, most of the tattoo parlors I know of are not in nice neighborhoods. I have only seen them in strip malls, sandwiched between a run-down dollar store and a "cigar and candy" store. You won't find a tattoo parlor on the Upper East Side, so if you aspire to be Nate Archibald or Blair Waldorf, stay away. But if the threat of dirty needles, flickering neon signs or a seedy neighborhood does not dissuade you from inking up, read on.
In my opinion, getting a tattoo is a foolproof way for a guy to look like a tool and girl to look like a tramp. For me, depending on the location and subject matter, a tattoo can drop a girl down anywhere between 1-5 points on the hotness scale. For guys, a popped pink polo comes in a distant second in tool-ness -- you can always put down the collar and just be preppy.
Plus, getting a tattoo may hinder your job search, as most employers frown upon them as unprofessional, and rarely as "art." Tattoos are burdened with a negative stereotype that follows their bearers wherever they go, which should be reason enough to stay away.
If the appeal of paying money to have a needle jabbed painfully into you for extended periods of time is just too much, please remember that like diamonds -- but in a much more frightening sense -- tattoos are forever.
Getting your girlfriend's name tattooed on your bulging bicep may seem brilliant now, but when you break up a month later, you are either stuck dating girls with the same name for the rest of your life, or with an awkward story.
Before getting a tattoo also consider whether you will want the same tattoo 50 years later -- all stretched, wrinkled and faded.
In my opinion, there is only one acceptable reason to get a tattoo: if you are in a secret society, because that is just awesome. Acceptable places for a secret society tattoo are inner bicep, side, wrist and lower armpit.
Furthermore, the tattoo can under no circumstances ever be in color -- that's lame. Acceptable tattoos must be black or dark gray.
Again, this all applies only to members of secret societies. All individuals not awesome enough to be in a society of secrecy should abstain from getting a tattoo.
