What exactly is it about the blooming season that dusts off that old libido and causes all of our hormones to run buck wild?
It seems that Mother Nature, after lounging on her snowy bum for the lazy winter months, has suddenly been reawakened as a crazed nymphomaniac. Sex is literally everywhere -- squirrels engaging in feral mating rituals on the Green, pollen (otherwise known as tree sperm) saturating the air -- even good ole' Warner Bentley is getting a lot more than just his nose rubbed these days.
As nature stirs with that primal dance of the birds and the bees, Dartmouth students embark on their own yearly mating ritual, or more accurately, seven of them. At an institution steeped in tradition, you'd be hard-pressed to find a more strongly beloved tradition than the Dartmouth Seven.
For those few of you who have never actually heard of the Dartmouth Seven, (and please, for the love of penis, put down that biochemistry book immediately) here's a quick refresher.
The Dartmouth Seven refers to the seven sacred spots in which students aspire to "get it on" before graduation. While the exact locations are highly contested, the geographical consensus includes the BEMA, College President James Wright's lawn, the Top of the Hop, the stacks, the 50-yard line, the steps of Dartmouth Hall and the center of the Green. Spring is an especially popular time to attempt the daunting task -- the warmer weather prevents potentially awkward cases of frostbite, and the timing affords hurrah-seeking seniors a perfect opportunity to go out with a (quite literal) bang.
There is an elite few who have successfully completed the Dartmouth Seven, and unfortunately, I am not among them. I was lucky enough, however, to interview several of the successful Dartmouth Seven veterans for tips and tricks of the art. After several days of "research," I have amassed the knowledge that I now bestow to you, ambitious sexpeditionists.
Sandra presents: The Do-Me's and Don'ts of the Dartmouth Seven.
Let's start with what my sources claim as the easiest spot: the stacks. Pick a day when you know no one will be in the library, such as the Friday of Green Key weekend, and elect to use one of the lock-in study rooms on the third or fourth floors. Keep your volume at a reasonable level, beware of snooping custodians, and you should be golden.
Slightly more daunting, but still quite doable is the BEMA (incidentally, a chuckle-worthy euphemism for the female anatomy). Any mild night should work. Bring some blankets and a bottle of wine and take in the naturalistic ambience under a starry sky. Don't make the same mistake as one '10 veteran, however, and venture outside during DOC trip initiations. Those poor traumatized '13s will cringe every time they hear the Salty Dog Rag.
Next on the list is the Top of the Hop. Go late at night and steer clear of those "ruthless windows." The tricky part here is acquiring entrance: you can either go before midnight and hide out, or befriend an art major whose ID allows him or her access to the Hop at all hours. Additionally, be on the look-out for FO&M workers.
One of my sources detailed getting "caught" canoodling with a past partner.
Located conveniently on Frat Row, the president's lawn traditionally weeds out the less rebellious thrill-seekers. One of our sources explained his hesitancy to do the deed at this Dartmouth Seven location.
"I went on a Sunday at 2 a.m., but had too much respect for Jim Wright, so instead we just made out and giggled thinking that Susan Wright was watching," the source said.
With President-elect Jim Yong Kim officially assuming his position on July 1, the stakes may be even higher. Beware of frequently patrolling Saftey and Security vehicles and small roaming children during your late night sesh.
Four down, three to go. The 50-yard line is another fairly low risk spot; go anytime after sunset when the side gate should be open. Try to avoid days when the field lines were recently painted, unless you plan on explaining to your 10A professor the following morning why you have white stripes all over your body.
The most opportune time to try out the center of the Green falls during big weekends, and several veterans have pointed to the snow sculpture or underneath the holiday tree as the ideal spots.
Make sure it's dark and late enough that no one walking home from the library will be in for an erotic scare.
As for Dartmouth Hall, the mention of this one is usually followed by a grimace. This is another late night spot, and the best times are between 4 a.m. and 6 a.m.
"Grass and carpet and standing is good fun, but lying naked on cold cement hoping you don't get Parkhursted? Probably doesn't even feel that good," one source told me.
As many of these more risqu spots present the possibility of a shag 'n run, it becomes important to clarify what, in technical terms, constitutes the effective "completion" of each stop of the Dartmouth Seven. There seems to be some dispute regarding the exact technicalities here: while some sources insist that successful completion requires one or more partners reach climax, others claim that mere penetration is fine, especially during times of (ahem) premature evacuation.
If, however, grass stains and cold cement aren't quite your forte, the veterans recommend some variations on the Dartmouth Seven. For those aspiring cougars, they recommend the Age-Ain't-Nuthin'-but-a-Number Dartmouth Seven, where one attempts to "hook up" with a member of seven consecutive grade levels, while for the Greek Dartmouth Seven, one attempts to "hook up in every frat. And it doesn't need to be with a brother in that house. It's like the circuit, only you burn calories instead of chugging them."
So get to it seniors, spring has most certainly sprung!
