Our hatchling days as naive granite-brained freshmen have been indoctrinated in all of the conventions of our dear ol' College on the Hill. We were taught that Nalgenes and frisbees were status symbols, that the most successful Food Court facetime occurred between 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. on General Tso's night. We were also forewarned of a Dartmouth legend as daunting and terrifying as former Dean Cravin Layscock: the Dartmouth 'X'.
According the myth, Dartmouth males' and females' respective "desirability" to the opposite sex can be quantified as a time-dependent, inversely-related 'X.' While Dartmouth males obtain pimp status with age, the females' fate is a consistent downwards plunge.
Our allure is ultimately reduced to a simple logistical regression model: Attractiveness = (class year*(number of fro-yo machines within 100 yards) + breast perkiness (in sag-ometers/level of jadedness) - Facebook applications + sophomore summer constant K.
My attractiveness score is at -275, and rapidly dropping.
Well touche, I say. If our female reproductive value can be so easily quantified, why not conduct our own statistical analysis on the male facet of the Dartmouth myth? So, under the guise of an "entirely anonymous" Socy 10 study, I blitzed out a survey to a random sampling of 215 Dartmouth males. The results of the study were downright astonishing. (Well, actually they weren't that interesting at all, but seeing as this week's submission is either a sex survey or a "Do-it-yourself Breast Exam" written by my mom, we can all feign excitement, can't we?).
The responses, collected from 72 participants from all four class years, seem to negate the myth of the promiscuous senior-male misogynist. On a self-evaluated scale from 1-5, with one designating a Casanova and five a Steve Urkel, the '09s ranked themselves lowest in the suave department, scoring an average of 2.533. The highest scorers in the self-declared "stealth with the ladies" test were the members of the '11 class, racking up an average score of 3.1.
Furthermore, when asked about their expectations on bringing a potential romantic partner back to their room, only 13 percent of '09s, and 20 percent of both '10s and '11s, indicated that they expected to have sex, while an impressive 40 percent of '12s were lookin' to get some. Conversely, 40 percent of the surveyed members of the class of 2010 admitted they invited a potential partner back to their rooms in pursuit of a "genuine emotional connection."
These surprising results raise the question: are Dartmouth males really getting less confident, or are they are just getting smarter with age?
When evaluated in terms of number of "hook-ups," the '12s triumphed over the competition with an impressive 2.2 nightly companions in the last eight weeks. The '12s, '10s and '09s were all more likely to be dating someone than single, while 70 percent of the '11s identified themselves as single. (Interestingly, when asked if they were dating anyone, 20 percent of the '10s responded, "I don't know...")
So what are the conclusive generalizations we can draw from these studies? Well for one thing, the Dartmouth 'X' mentality doesn't seem to hold its weight. The '12s were overall the most confident, the most promiscuous and likely to be the horniest, and the '11s and '09s scored similarly in almost all of the same parameters, while the '10s are either cheesily romantic, or just tragically confused.
