Of course, there are some mildly normal people at the gym. In fact, you might even find a contender for Mr. Universe (or at least Mr. Big Green) if you're lucky. But, for the most part, the students found passing by the front desk guard during the gym's peak hours are freaks. Here's a glimpse at some of the more memorable characters whose odd behavior enhance all of our workouts...
Facetime Franny
Dressed in the spandex version of frat attire, Facetime Franny spends up to two hours at the gym, and only about 30 minutes actually breaking a sweat. She'll probably start out on one of the ellipticals at the end of the row, punctuating her workout with bi-minute glances in the mirror, at least five waves to entering acquaintances, and three so-important-that-she-removes-her-headphones conversations. After getting her fill of "Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: American Sweethearts" on CMT, she'll move from cardio to weights, which she will invariably complete in front of the mirror adjacent to the erg machines, rather than the much less visible mirror towards the back. Crunches are optional for Franny (not as much facetime when you're lying down) but may be done in conjunction with the super-bendy stretches she learned in Yogilates class.
Hermit Herbie
Staying as far away from Facetime Franny as possible, Hermit Herbie is not the kind of guy you'd expect to see on a treadmill. But he's there in all his 130-pound glory, whether it is because he's decided to bulk up like Wolverine, or because cardiovascular exercise combats his asthma attacks. You'll find Herbie (if you're quiet enough) on a bike on the upper level, where he exerts more effort in avoiding eye contact with the main floor than in pedaling. If he does crunches or lifts weights, they're completed upstairs. When he walks down the stairs, he does not do it to show off his gym bod or to scan the crowd for a crush, but because it is the obligatory route to get out of the place that is beginning to trigger his claustrophobia, germiphobia, agoraphobia and acrophobia.
Broseph Joseph
If we went to the "Revenge of the Nerds" school instead of the "Animal House" one, Broseph Joseph would be the "Ogre" to Hermit Herbie's "Poindexter." If swirlies were things boys actually did to each other, Joseph would be the culprit. Wearing a shirt from his frat that has mysteriously had the sleeves ripped off, he displays his sizable guns while benching the equivalent weight of one of his pledges. He usually lifts with another, more diminutive bro, under the guise that they are spotting each other (really they are just on a more socially-acceptable bromantic date). If approached, he will flex subtly.
Permanent Patsy
The more hardcore version of Facetime Franny, and the female counterpart of Broseph Joseph, Permanent Patsy is always at the gym. When you get to the gym, there she is; when you leave, there she remains. Friends who never work out at the same time as you will say they always see her too, so unless she has her own personal Delorian to travel through time (that would be sweet), she can't possibly get anything else done. Does she have a bed hidden in the spinning classroom? The streets want answers.
How-Are-You-Doing-That Harriet
While Permanent Patsy's existence is indeed a mystery, nothing is more baffling than the girl who appears to get all her reading done on the treadmill. How are you doing that?! It seems like a brilliant way to kill two birds with one stone, but for most of the human race, it is physically impossible. Those of us who have tried can attest to the ridiculousness of attempting to read on a treadmill. On the other hand, the no-arm elliptical seems like a logical choice, but if you plan on highlighting, underlining, or taking notes in the margin, then give up. You'll end up highlighting diagonally. The only way the using-the-gym-as-library activity seems plausible is reading on the bikes, but even that is difficult. So, really, Harriet, what's your secret? And how long before you bring your laptop to the bench press?
Newbie Nick and Twice-a-Term Tina
If either of these two tried to do work like Harriet, they would literally trip on themselves. Like the New Year's resolution exercisers, Newbie Nick and Twice-a-Term Tina are defined by random, sudden bursts of inspiration. Their reasons vary from seeing an ex-girlfriend hook up with a verified Broseph to wanting to show Jessica Simpson solidarity during her weight struggle. Both Nick and Tina lack the hand-eye coordination to go through the gates without setting off the alarm, and both neglect to wipe their blood, sweat and tears (mostly tears), from the handles of their machines. Where they differ is in quality of ineptness: Newbie Nick is probably a freshman (though he could be genetically blessed or just very lazy) who, until now, was unaware that AD is not the only facility past The Hop. Newbie Nick actually uses the safety clip on the treadmill. Newbie Nick might be in it for the long haul, in which case he will eventually transition into a new gym persona, or he will become like Tina.
Tina is an upperclassman who every so often remembers the gym exists and that she should probably go. One day, after taking the elevator down from Third Floor Berry, she decides, why not try exercise? She knows what to do and where everything is and she works out really hard when she's there. After her workout, she feels really fulfilled and accomplished, and thinks to herself, "Why don't I come here all the time? It feels great! I'm going to go to the gym every day starting now." Yes, she'll come again. But, after logging a combined two hours of physical activity, she's done for the term. A valiant effort indeed.
The truth is, we've all taken on one (or all) of these workout alter egos at one gym sesh or another, so we really shouldn't mock. But we need to. Because there comes a time when those initial endorphins start to fade, and all we want to do is give up and go eat enough fro-yo to put us in a food coma. When the idea of sweating just makes us want to shower, they give us a reason to keep fighting, to put our cards in the courtesy box when we want to swipe back out. So thank you to all the Frannys, Herbies, Josephs, Patsys, Harriets, Nicks and Tinas.
You are ridiculous and we love you for entertaining us. "Rock of Love," which I watch on the treadmill, has commercial breaks, after all.
