Dear Austin,
So there is this boy I really like, he's sooo cute, funny and he's my best friend. As Taylor Swift once sang, "You saw me there, but never knew that I would give it all up to be a part of this, a part of you." She basically sings about my life. Anyway, I went to this awesome party two weeks ago where the basement was painted white! I had a lot of fun and took lots of pictures. Unfortunately, as the night progressed, I started sipping the drinks I had only intended to be posing with in pictures, and got rather tipsy.
But back to this boy, I saw him dancing with someone else! And then with another someone else! He is such a player! Clearly upset, I ran out of the party crying, and didn't stop until I got back to my dorm. I found the first blitz I received from him -- a campus-wide blitz about him losing his pants at Panarchy, in which he forgot to suppress the recipient list. (I found them, that's how we first met ... sigh).
Well, I blitzed him back a teary accusation about how he was toying with my emotions and how much I loved him and forgave him for dancing with other girls.
Unfortunately, I chose "Reply to Recipients" and now everyone got my blitz! HELP!
Sincerely,
Buzzed Blonde Blitzer
Dear Alliterate Female,
I am very sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately, I did not receive your blitz or else I would understand the exact circumstances. Luckily, however, my friend did and we laughed about it yesterday.
What you can learn from this is that people who lose their pants at parties are not people you should fall in "love" with -- wait until they graduate and work at Google or Morgan Stanley. For now, stick to those guys who merely lose their jackets. Rest assured, many of us have made the same drunken mistakes, and, though ours may not have been as horribly embarrassing as yours, they do make great stories a few months later. My advice to you is to just lay low -- I'm certain that everyone who received your blitz will have forgotten about it by the time this letter is published.
When you next see this "player" of yours, play it cool. Ignore him, and, if he waves or comes over, give him a chilly head-nod and brush past.
Try your hardest not to turn bright red though -- that will ruin it. If he blitzes you back saying something about "lunch," "talking about it" and "feeling the same way," don't believe him. Instead, tell him that your roommate drunkenly blitz-jacked you, and that you are on a new K2O water diet, and no longer have lunch. This will thoroughly confuse him, and, as a result, he won't be able to stop thinking about you.
As Fall Out Boy once sang, "I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me." Their witty, catchy lyrics are words to live by.
Now that you have saved face and gotten into the head of your beloved, it's time to go in for the kill. I know very little about the art of "slaying biddies," and even less about how girls do their thing, so I will leave this part to you -- just don't get too drunk again, or consider switching to Gmail for its Mail Goggles feature.
Cheers,
Austin
