In life, some things are recognized as pure, unadulterated facts. For example, Princeton can't play hockey, UGGs will never go out of style at Dartmouth, a pong date here is equivalent to a first date everywhere else, and elliptical machines are for wimps. I'll give you a freebie if you're an injured athlete or over forty, but for everyone else, stop wheeling your legs in the air, turn off VH1 and read on, my friend.
There's a reason why that when your head is pounding, you're tired, hungry, cranky or all of the above, you hop on the elliptical instead of venturing to those mezzanine treadmills. Let me give you a hint, it's not because "Friends" is on and you really want to score a machine with a TV, it's because on that particular day, you're really not in the mood for a real workout. Don't lie to yourself; you know it's true -- I do it too.
You may claim that you just don't have the coordination for the treadmill -- that with the moving belt and the flashy buttons, it's just too much to take in all at once. I disagree. There are few things more complex than an elliptical.
Your legs are suspended in midair and there are those moving machine arms. Aside from being a completely useless addition to your workout -- I promise you don't burn more calories by frantically swinging your arms to and fro -- they're just kind of awkward. You know, your elbows are splayed out all over the place, and sometimes your arm pace gets off from your whirring legs. Apocalypse now.
I know, I know, they make ellipticals without the weird mobile appendages, too. Let's face it though, without the swinging arms, then the damn thing becomes a Stairmaster, and who are you, Richard Simmons? Jane Fonda?
And then of course there are the people that go backwards. Backwards. Seriously? Life is lived forwards, people. It's not healthy to dwell on the past, and even tour guides trip over things when they walk backwards. Let that be a lesson to all of us. No matter how fast you pump your little legs in reverse on the elliptical, you know you're never as sweaty as you would have been running forwards.
There's something rhythmic about a treadmill. Your pounding feet are in sync with your pumping heart, and there's nothing quite like five Girl Talk songs in a row to get you through the last few miles. It's true, sometimes it hurts -- there are those days when your legs are a little heavier and your breath comes a little harder. But that makes workout victory all the more sweet, because this way, you actually accomplished something while moving in place. What a concept.
Treadmills also offer much more variety than dp ellipticals, allowing your workout to suit whatever your mood may be.
Bitter breakup? Go at 4 p.m. and calmly jog while watching "Oprah." You'll definitely be in your Zen place in no time.
Hungover? Down a Nalgene of water and jam to The Verve, or better yet, the "Dirt Off Your Shoulders" mash-up version. The pumping bass will quickly replace the pounding in your head as you euphorically gasp for breath. I promise you, no one ever sweats out any toxins on an elliptical, even at 200 strides per minute.
Tough exam? Nothing will work out the crick in your neck more than a good-old-fashioned run. Ratchet up that belt speed and the symmetry of the run will clear your head in no time. You can even pick your own music for this one. Listen to Enya for all I care.
There. I said it. You know you've always kind of been thinking it. So next time, quiet those demons clamoring for a less impactful workout. I guarantee your Home Plate buffalo burger on wheat will taste so much better after a run. Also, if you want to chat to your BFF about the basement scene last night, do not do it on adjacent ellipticals. If you can really get out a 700-word sentence about TDX-Mas, you're not breaking a sweat.
So take a deep breath, calmly approach the unoccupied treadmill awaiting your New Balance treads, pump up the tunes, and party on, my friend.
