What is this flitzing business, you ask? Take note, young Casanovas, it's the new Dartmouth cultural phenomenon, a hybridization of flirting and blitzing. We can't deny the fact that we always sound wittier, smarter and more composed on Blitz, so why not exploit this resource?
You'd think that after one to four years of intensive indoctrination into Blitz culture, Dartmouth males would have made some progress in this department. If the following four authentic pick-up attempts* serve as any indicator, however, you'd be mistaken. So for you flitz-ally challenged '09s, watch and learn. Just avoid these few nasty blitz blunders, and, in no time at all, you can be turning those Ctrl+D's into double-Ds.
Case 1: Naive Flitzer
'12 Male to '09 Female, 2:05 a.m.:
hey good lucking ;o) i told you i would blitz you lol. i know its the same night but its technically the next day. we should definately play pong again sometime. i saw you in food court, are you stalking me? hahaha
you should totaly come to [insert frat house here] after meetings on wendesday, im sure i can get us a table. can i have your number ill hit you up on wendesday?
What he did right: "'12 male." Enough said.
What he did wrong: Brutal. It's like trying to grade a college comp lit paper written by a primate, but I'll try to be gentle.
1) Blitzing within an hour of their most recent awkward interaction is bad enough, but attempting to justify his overzealousness on the grounds of technicalities screams desperate.
2) "Definately"? "Wendesday"? I can't speak for the rest of the Dartmouth female populace (Hello, cougars), but one attribute I generally look for in a potential hook-up is a middle school diploma.
3) Emoticons and LOL's are a largely amateur move. Maybe I've missed the memo on this one, but when did it become cool for intelligent Ivy League students to start speaking like 11-year-old girls on AIM? And if you're actually trying to convince me that you're sitting alone at your computer at 3 a.m., literally laughing out loud at your own terrible joke, then sorry, but I g2g. Ctrl+D.
Case 2: I-just-wanna-bone Flitzer
'11 male to '11 female. 11:25 p.m.
Yooo
Im sooo wasteuudngld
Come over now. [XXX] HitchCOCK.
What he did right: Concise, straight to the point and establishes his objective at the onset. Clever use of capitalization in "Hitchcock."
What he did wrong: Nothing spells desire like a "wasteuud" flitzer. Unfortunately, the chance of any self-respecting female actually showing up at his room are slim at best. Why? Well for one thing, if this dude's drunken hook-up skills rival his drunken blitzing skills, she can expect a sorely dissatisfied inbox. Another red flag: the grammatically flawless "Come over now," immediately following a declaration of his recklessly-inebriated state. Riddle me this, fratty '11, are you really "wasteeudngld" from a night of pong, or, perhaps more accurately, are you pleasantly buzzed from a Molly's $2 margarita from dinner with your grandparents? If you're just looking for an intimate companion to watch you defeat warrior trolls in World of Warcraft while feasting on leftover margarita pizza, well, maybe you should say so.
Case 3: Fratty Flitzer
'08 male to '10 female. 3:43 p.m.
Subject: wow
last night was pretty ridiculous...i dont know how i ended up at your room, anyway i think i left my hat there - red sox?
hope your feeling better than I do, cause I am hurting pretty bad.
What he did right: Graduate.
What he did wrong: What a charmer (Insert mimed projectile vomit here). If he's looking for a paddle launch to the jugular and a voodoo doll made in his spitting image, then mission accomplished. If, however, this guy had any interest in pursuing the'10 female, he just dug his own frat-tastic grave. This blitz contains no attempt at flattery, no witty banter and not the slightest effort to mask his regret. Good luck getting your hat back, jerk.
Case 4: Creepy Flitzer
'12 male to '12 female. 5:25 a.m.
Hey,
I really enjoyed speaking with you tonight at [Fraternity House], I felt that we had a really strong, intellectual connection. I don't normally do this, but I was wondering if you would like to get dinner tomorrow night, at the Canoe Club perhaps? I'd be interested in hearing more about your philosophy on [insert title of obscure freshman seminar here]. My number is [blank], sometimes I don't get service in my room [XXX] Byrne, the room right next to the bathroom, with the big poster of Chuck Norris, so if you want to come over to chat, I'm yours anytime after 5 p.m.
Looking forward to dinner.
What he did right: A+ for spelling, grammar and general courteousness.
What he did wrong: REEP REEP. Code red stalker alert. Abort mission, immediately.
