"Here it comes the party of a lifetime/31st of December/Man I remember when the ball dropped for '90/Now it's 9-9/ten years behind me" -- Will Smith, "Will 2K"
Time sure does fly by when Will Smith stops making music ...
I don't really remember when the ball dropped for '90; I was two, and still couldn't walk, but I did know cursive. Big ups to Montessori. Last week, though, as I watched the Peach drop (I'm from Georgia), for some reason this classic track from the ever-relevant "Willenium" made its way into my head.
Lately, a lot of things have been creeping into my head to make me feel old and weathered. Even though I'm an 80's baby, I'm a child of the 90's and things from this decade still seem fresh and not too far in the past.
Things like:
"Hey Dude"
Communism
Yugoslavia
Pagers
Velcro Shoes
Carmen Sandiego
Zaire
The phrase "cake-eater"
Third-wave Feminism
Albert Belle
All of these things feel like they came into my life just a year or two ago, but most of them are nearing their 15-20 year anniversaries. It just ain't right.
So, even though 2009 has forced me to start realizing how old I actually am, one thing that's for sure is that the world is a very different place than it was at the beginning of the decade. When "Willenium" came out, thus officially signifying the end of the 1990's, I knew things were about to really start changing.
Although I could not have predicted technological advances such as touch-screen phones, online banking and Hawaiian presidents, there are a lot of things that I was sure would be different and, most importantly, a few things that would (thankfully) not be around for much longer. So it troubles me to look around at this final year of the first decade of the "Willennium" and see that certain people, places and things (nouns) are still around.
Therefore, as excited as I am for 2009, the year of my (knock-on-everything) graduation, I do hope that the powers-that-be somehow find a way to discontinue these useless "nouns." And just know, powers-that-be, that if you don't, I will take the law into my own hands.
- 1-Ply toilet paper
Using this stuff should be illegal. Without getting too graphic, but at the same time knowing the power of descriptive adjectives, this sandpaper, pebble and knife casserole disguised as "toilet paper" is taking years off of my life. When I arrive at a toilet that is accompanied by the 1-ply and it's "too late to go back," if you catch my drift, I often wonder if I have done something to deserve this. I don't know how you've made it this far, 1-ply, but just know your days are numbered.
- AltaVista/Lycos/Yahoo
No lie, I had to look up these search engines (on Google) to see if they still existed. I want to know the people who are like, "Hey, what does it mean when you tattoo a tear drop under your eye?" and then they go to Lycos.com to find their answer. Seriously, I want to know who these people are so I can smack them with 1-ply toilet paper until they realize that it is not 1995. These are probably the same people who still use those AOL CD-ROMs that came in the mail every six months. Al Gore, please shut these ridiculous web sites down, they are clogging up the Web.
- Racism
Although it is officially over January 20th, I was very suprised to see it survive after Ruben Studdard won American Idol.
- Mesh as clothing
Unacceptable then, unacceptable now. Every time I see someone that is not an eight-and-under soccer player wearing mesh, I throw a set of plastic soda rings into a pool of dolphins. If you care about dolphins, you will help me hunt down this small but tactfully mobilized group of 2009 mesh-wearers.
- Cornell University
Enough is enough, Cornell. Just close down. It's not fair to the students that lose bets and end up there.
- Jennifer Aniston
"The Rachel" as a fashion phenomenon was like 37 years ago. Jennifer, although I commend you for being the first 80-year-old to be naked on the cover of GQ magazine, I need you to go away now. And by the way, Brangelina sounds much cooler than Branifer or Anipitt.
- Kwanzaa
Unbelievable. You, my friend, are my worst enemy. Let the record show that I am proudly black and I proudly detest Kwanzaa. I'm about to reach my word limit on this column, but just know that if December 2009 rolls around and someone at Barnes & Noble wishes me a "Joyous Kwanzaa," that cashier will be smacked with a 800-page Annie Leibovitz coffee table book.
- America's Funniest Home Videos
When your franchise starts off with Bob Saget and gets progressively more B-side, you know this is not good. This show is still on the air, hosted by someone's uncle, and is currently the only show left that still uses the over-excited, early '90s, "Family Matters"-like laugh track.
There comes a time when all good (and especially all bad) things must come to an end, and 2009 has to be the end for AFHV. Arrested Development got cancelled and America's Funniest Home Videos is still on the air. Just think about that. AFHV, please don't let me see you on my TV much longer, for your sake and for my own.
