If I had it my way, my closest friends from home and my closest friends from Dartmouth would somehow meet up at a Lionel Richie concert. They would be the only ones there, and, disguised as one of Lionel's backup singers, I would secretly watch to see if they got along. Halfway through "All Night Long," I would throw down my tambourine, kick off my platform shoes and jump into the crowd of my friends and probably burst into triumphant tears.
My friends from both Dartmouth and home would stand there, waiting for me to stop embarrassing them, while mumbling things to each other like, "Who knew that even in college, he was still such a Sally," and, "How the hell did he pay for Lionel Richie?"
As great as this scenario is, unless Programming Board wants to help a brother out, it will never happen. A shame, I know. Since I've been at Dartmouth, I have wondered whether the Rembert that my friends from Dartmouth know is the same kid that my friends from Atlanta know. Do my friends from home see me as this strapping young lad, full of charisma, charm and overall braun while my friends from school see me as this strapping young lad, full of charisma, charm and overall brains? Could I actually be such a polarizing figure? I was DETERMINED to get to the bottom of this query.
So, I set up a scenario. A "Friendship Laboratory," if you will. I would finally figure out whether my friends know me as a completely different person, based on if they know me from home or from college.
The Subjects:
Miesha Smith
Dartmouth College
Class of 2009
Philadelphia, Penn.
Friends since Dimensions 2005
Was originally one of the backup dancers in Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video, but had to pull out in order to finish her language requirement this term.
Claims to consciously walk five feet behind me when we're in public.
Matt Solomon
NYU
Class of 2009
Atlanta, Ga.
Friends since 6th grade
Only likes girls that know all the lyrics to "Hey Ma" by Cam'ron.
Direct descendent of Abraham.
The Questions:
1) Describe the way I dress in five adjectives?
Miesha: Childish, obnoxiously olorful, old, cheap, embarrassing.
Matt: Colorful, youthful, vagrant, layered, concupiscent.
2) How similar do I look to Denzel Washington?
Miesha: On a good day, you look like a young version of his second cousin's son. But emaciated.
Matt: As much as you do to Ving Rhames.
3) If I were stranded on a deserted island, would I survive? If not, how long until I was dead?
Miesha: You would last for a few days. You would only die strictly because you ran out of alcohol.
Matt: No. You would survive for a little under a year, until you had to start fishing and venturing into the water for food. Other than the simple fact that this would cause you great pain and eventually lead to your death by starvation, you would probably get eaten by a fish first.
4) Does my hidden physical strength continue to amaze you?
Miesha: Your speed is ACTUALLY shocking. It's just that you wouldn't think that legs so thin could support a body that was moving that quickly.
Matt: I'm not sure I approve of a single word in that question. Not even "to."
5) What does my mother think of me?
Miesha: That she's glad I'm here to keep you in check.
Matt: She feels very blessed and delighted at the quality of character you've developed so early in life. And for goodness sake, she would like to see you find a good barber shop.
6) Discuss the song and music video for "Unleash The Dragon" by Sisqo in 30 words.
Miesha: You don't need 30. And you can't describe it... it's a gift from God.
Matt: Coming out of the 1990s, this song and video combination encompassed everything we needed to change about ourselves in the 2000s. Every single thing ...
7) What will my second wife look like?
Miesha: It doesn't matter what she looks like. As long as she's getting the check to support your ambitions to be a career student.
Matt: Josephine Baker.
8) Will we be friends forever?
Miesha: You're like a bad tattoo you decide to get when you're drunk. You'll just always be there.
Matt: Short answer. Yes.
So there you have it. This revolutionary social experiment has illustrated two things very clearly. One, the feelings my friends share about me are universal, regardless of where I know them from, which is great. Secondly, these mean-spirited heathens I call my "friends" are just rude beyond belief. Who knew that sass could present itself in such a high form? I mean, I didn't cry once I read their responses, but it is worth noting that I also do not have tear ducts. But, whatever. It's not about me, it's about the triumph of research. The experiment worked, so who cares, right? Right?
... I need some new friends, stat.
