As a senior, I have seen Hanover's restaurant scene change drastically. I was here before Quiznos, I loved The Wrap, and I'm pretty sure I matriculated 12 Murphy's menus ago. I never could have imagined that I would live to see Yama and a BYOB Gusanoz in this little coal mining town. We need to capture this high point in Hanover's dining history before Mr. Recession takes it all away from us.
There is only one way to truly discuss restaurants in a professional fashion -- a Zagat Guide. For over three years now, a very good, lioness-looking friend of mine and I have flirted with the idea of writing our own, but the time has never been right. That time, my friends, is now. Creating this guide will not only be a resource for Dartmouth students and the greater Upper Valley region, but it will finally give this little prairie town some sorely needed street cred.
Since this is a special occasion, I will be stepping away from formal Zagat criteria and choosing to focus on four main characteristics: 1) Yumminess, 2) Authenticity, 3) Interior Dcor and, finally, 4) TheLoveCalculator.com
Stop the presses! Did you just see the "Love Calculator" in The Dartmouth, America's Oldest College newspaper? Is it actually being used as a scientific tool? Answer: Yes. I used it to pick my first two girlfriends and I'll use it for my Zagat.
Being that the full Zagat will be upwards of 600 pages of prose and 200 pages of pie charts and histograms, this will just be a taste of the full manifesto that is the Hanover Zagat. In order to highlight some of Hanover's newer establishments, for this sample, I will only be rating and ranking those restaurants in town that are brand-new, have moved to Hanover, or have somehow completely changed their appearance. The contestants are Boloco, Gusanoz and Yama.
Let the games begin.
- Boloco
35 South Main Street (236 ft. from Brambles)
Yumminess: I love Boloco and I hate Boloco. It delivers and I haven't left my house since November, so I'm forced to eat it at least twice a day. It's good, but everyone knows it's not that good. The idea of food in a contained space (a burrito) is a tried and true formula for success, no matter how poorly that contained space is wrapped or if your meal smells faintly of cigarette smoke. 2/5
Authenticity: In case you didn't know, Boloco is an acronym for "Boston Local Company," not Spanish for "Crazy BO-rrito." So right off the bat, this place screams "I'm a vaguely ethnic Americanized restaurant enslaved in the least ethnic part of this hemisphere, save me now." That's it. 0/5
Interior Dcor: Ugly. Just flat-out ugly. But you've got to love that one recliner. 2/5
The Love Calculator: 86 percent. "Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between Hanover and Boloco has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other, etc." 73/85
Total: 77 points out of 100.
- Gusanoz
13 Lebanon St. (814 ft. from Brambles)
Yumminess: Better than Boloco. Still smells somewhat like cigarette smoke, though. The real draw of Gusanoz isn't the food, but the fact that it is BYOB (Bring Your Own Bottle/Boloco). Pabst Blue Ribbon beer does a great job of masking mediocre food. 3/5
Authenticity: I'm not fooled. Just because you go in there and the employees pronounce it "Guthanoz" doesn't mean I suddenly think I'm at the 1968 Summer Olympics (figure it out). So, even though I'm not fooled that this is "authentic Mexican food," I applaud them for the effort. 2/5
Interior Dcor: The single worst-planned building in Hanover. This is no place for a restaurant. Once again, I applaud them for even attempting to run a successful sit-down restaurant out of a building resembling a glorified hallway, but they should really figure out a way to make it more spacious. 1/5
The Love Calculator: 19 percent. "Dr. Love thinks a relationship might work out between Hanover and Gusanoz, but the chance is very small. A successful relationship is possible, but you both have to work on it. Do not sit back and think that it will all work out fine, because it might not be working out the way you wanted it to. Spend as much time with each other as possible. Again, the chance of this relationship working out is very small, so even when you do work hard on it, it still might not work out." 16/85
Total: 22 points out of 100.
- Yama
74 Main St. (1056 ft. from Brambles)
Yumminess: Even though I am a devout follower of Sunja (keep sending those honorary degree blitzes. The trustees, like all humans, can only take so much), the new Yama is great. 5/5
Authenticity: Sure. 5/5
Interior Dcor: As good as the food was, when I walked through the doors, I was furious. The walls were bare. There was not a single creepy picture of a baby anywhere on the walls of Yama. If you ever frequented the original Yama in Lebanon, you know that the restaurant was confusingly lined with pictures of bald, Caucasian babies. To this day, the presence of those pictures is one of the greatest mysteries I've ever come across. Anyway, until Yama gets it's act together, I refuse to go. 0/5
The Love Calculator: 64 percent. "Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between Rembert Browne and Beyonce Knowles has a reasonable chance of working out, but on the other hand, it might not. Your relationship may suffer good and bad times. If things might not be working out as you would like them to, do not hesitate to talk about it with the person involved. Spend time together, talk with each other." 55/85
Total: 65 points out of 100
So there you have it. Apparently, the Hanover Zagat's number one new restaurant of the past four years is Boloco. That really didn't turn out like I hoped. I guess this is just proof that the Hanover Zagat is so fair and unbiased, restaurants I completely loathe can end up on top. Only in America, people. Only in America.
