Lindsay Lohan has had a rough year. From the notorious "I'm happier than ever," to the breakup with Sam, it's been a doozie. However, there are clearly a few areas where Linds has had it right all along, proving that: shiny spandex are perfectly acceptable as daily attire, one should never wear the same string bikini twice during a Malibu vacation, and eating your sandwich alone in a bathroom, while not completely sanitary, is immensely preferable to a eating it alone in a cafeteria.
If you need a "Mean Girls" refresher, our beloved Cady Heron -- before she ingratiates herself with Aaron Samuels and proves her calculus prowess to Ms. Norbury -- is banished to high-school hell and forced to eat in the company of stall graffiti and cold, unfriendly tile. Our heroine, played by Lohan, isn't exiled for long, but the portrayal drives an important point home: If you are unfortunate enough to be devoid of meal companionship, at least don't let anyone see you.
Seriously people, eating alone is for loners, losers and snobby, fifty-year-old bachelor billionaires who have their own booth at the "Club" and who order the "usual," with their very dry martini, from the even snobbier fifty-year-old Matre d' -- and I refuse to believe that you are a loner, a loser or fifty years old. You are brilliant, beautiful and brainy, so find some food friends.
I know, I know. I'm already anticipating your quick-fired response. Let me guess. You're secure about yourself. You're a strong, independent woman. You have to study for your Spanish exam. Whoever you are, whatever your story, you crave the peace, perspective and prime people-watching that your morning stint at one of those side tables in Collis offers. What's more, cynical people like me are just too self-conscious to bask in the tranquility of an independent meal. Am I right?
I don't care if you're the captain of the lacrosse team or the star of the Pirates of Penzance, no one should be relegated to staring intently at The D, pretending that they like Sudoku, understand the comics, or can actually finish a crossword. Note: If you always finish the crossword and actually prefer The New York Times' puzzle to The D's, go away.
I'll admit it, breakfast is the only meal where eating alone can be semi-acceptable. You can pretend to stare at your laptop, deliberately destroy your muffin crumbs and write absentmindedly in your planner, and no one is the wiser.
But if you think that you are as happy or, should I say, tranquil, as the 20 athletes that just rolled into the Hop and grabbed a long table in a teeming, laughing horde, you are seriously delusional. We're talking "Lindsay Lohan in Herbie Fully Loaded is going to be the next big hit," delusional.
Whereas I'll give you, albeit grudgingly, a free pass for breakfast, I affirm that dining alone at lunch or dinner is absolutely unacceptable. If you really have so much work that you need your books and computer in your Home Plate booth -- hey, exams happen, I understand -- take a to-go container to the stacks, or, better yet, take a 20-minute break with your fellow crammers.
But, for the love of God, don't take a whole table to yourself and look super busy. You probably are, but it makes us all feel unproductive and a little bit angsty. Plus we envy your booth. Nobody wins.
Maybe you're a little bit shy. Maybe groups give you a teensy bit of anxiety. Maybe, deep down, you're not a Plastic -- which is probably a good sign anyway. Whatever your inner story, when you're accompanied by a buddy, no one will ever guess it, know it or judge it.
And if you really merely seek the tranquility that only a solo meal can offer, I suggest you try yoga.
