Dear Carol,
I had heard that the "morning-after" blitz was pretty standard practice at Dartmouth, but so far I have yet to see this fable reach my inbox. Last term, I had three encounters that, in my opinion, definitely warranted some sort of "Hey, I was drunk, but -- look! -- I managed to remember your blitz nickname despite six games of pong" blitz. But, much to my annoyance, I've received nothing. No morning-after blitz, and thus, no recognition that I suffered through the Walk of Shame for these shmucks. I always thought it would just be common courtesy to acknowledge the pain of walking home in rain/snow/daylight, but apparently I'm wrong. It's even gotten to the point that sometimes I blitz myself to see if BlitzMail is still working. What should I do? Should I stop playing into Dartmouth's hookup culture, or can I make the system work for me?
Thanks,
Fed Up with No New Notifications
Dear Fed Up,
You couldn't be more on-target. It seems that members of this new frat pledge class believes they are God's gift to night-time activity, nullifying the need for the classic "morning-after" blitz. Don't worry -- you aren't alone. While a hookup culture revolution might be in order all over campus, there are a few modifications that could be made in lieu of a coup.
It seems to me you have a few possible options:
1.Start tattooing your blitz names on your newest boy. You can even make it a fun and kinky Cosmo-esque project. ("Close your eyes and wait to feel a tingle ...") The plus side? After branded, men always blitz the next day.
2.When hooking up, begin testing their endurance and memory through a fun game I like to call "Strip BlitzMail." Every time he remembers one of your blitz names, an article of clothing comes off. Wear extra layers if you really want to test his allegiance (especially easy in the winter months!).
3.Use reverse psychology. Say things like "I could care less if I ever see you again, let alone receive a blitz from you at noon tomorrow. I really hope you aren't expecting to have lunch after your 10A, because I won't show up."
4.Don't scam on the boys who are scamming on all the single (and not-so-single) ladies in the room. Avoid the guys who are mentally undressing a girl while grinding all up on another. It's usually not too hard to discover which guys in a frat basement have actually attained a certain level of respect for women. Just make sure you respect yourself enough not to let yourself get tied up in losers who don't even know how to send a blitz. And if all else fails -- it's college. Experiment with women. Just a thought.
Keeping it real and not-so-platonic,
Carol
