Dear Sydney,
Lately I have found myself seized with premature baby lust and other emotional responses disproportionate to the stimulus. I see Tom Cruise's little girl on the cover of People and I crumble. Last week, for example, when I saw the Dartmouth Film Society's showing of "The Devil in Miss Jones," I experienced an inordinately high level of emotion. I was shocked when an elderly man sitting in front of me told the woman next to him that "these kids don't know what a real cock classic is." I've also begun a salt and pepper shaker collection for an apartment I do not even live in. What's wrong with me?
Sincerely,
Biologically-Accelerated
Dear B.A.
I don't think anyone was turned on by The Devil in Miss Jones. On the contrary, the loudest utterances in Spaulding were akin to those one might hear during a horror film screening ("No! Don't do it!"), and any rapid breathing lent itself more to interpretation as "anxious" rather than "aroused." Whether the maltreatment of certain species of reptile or the "existential" nature of the film depressed you, it's quite understandable. It's best if we just relegate this to the quaint-yet-short-lived period of the 70's, when it was chic to take your sweetheart out on a date to see hardcore porn.
As for your baby lust, it is not abnormal for you to experience these episodes at this age -- unless, of course, you are a man.
Along with storing things like candy bars and muffins in your room, collecting salt shakers is just one of many ways Mother Nature can manifest herself. "The Raw and Stolen: Cooking and the Ecology of Human Origins," sheds light on the hoarding habits of female Homo erectus: "Why do women gather? They are forced to do so because they won't acquire food otherwise, and access to resources is critical to their reproductive success."
You may have heard of the nesting instinct. The desire to reproduce is yet another inescapable biological impulse -- one to which the more tractable of my high school classmates have already begun to submit themselves. Historically, as is still the case in regions like the southeastern United States, people begin child-rearing earlier. Crystal King, administrative assistant at Cartersville Ob-Gyn and authority on the matter, attributes such high pregnancy rates among girls in their teens and early twenties to the lack of suitable alternative ways to spend one's time: "There just ain't anything else fun to do around here -- what else are they going to do?" Good point, Crystal. And if you're not into the outdoors, Hanover's not much different.
That said, a woman really musn't be dictated to by her lady parts.
While your sentiments are perfectly normal, experiencing pangs of baby lust in conjunction with the viewing of "The Devil in Miss Jones" is not. If this should continue to occur, I recommend seeing a psychologist; the Dartmouth health care plan is generous in its coverage of mental health issues.
