2008 was a huge year for sex -- and I'm talking Ron-Jeremy huge. This was the year gay marriage was championed as a federal issue, the year a Yale student induced numerous abortions in the name of art and the year the big-screen debut of the "Sex and the City" movie spurred a theatre-bound, mass migration of young teenagers salivating over the lifestyle of the cosmopolite cougar.
2008 was also the year that Match.com boasted record-high 16 million members spanning 37 countries, and generated an impressive $350 million in revenues. The widespread success of online dating services will undoubtedly herald in an era where the Internet replaces the current match-making service of choice -- my legally deaf Jewish grandmother ("Sure he's 68, but he's a loy-ya. A LOY-YA I tellya!").
Still, the limitations to cyber-dating are considerable, to say the least. Some minor Photoshopping and a slightly embellished resume can instantly transform Joe Six-pack (5'7", 285 lbs, three charges of indecent exposure in four different states) into Joe Six-figures (5'10", 200 lbs, avid traveler with a love for children). If you don't believe in the dangers of the internet, try entering "The View" Fan Club chatroom late at night and you'll see what I mean.
A few horny scientists, however, have recently pioneered the idea that the real key to her heart isn't through hard drives or even, for some of you, floppy disks. On the contrary, if you really want to win her over, you're gonna have to go diggin' in her genes.
And that's exactly what ScientificMatch.com seeks to do. Based in Florida, this revolutionary "genetic" dating service relies on DNA compatibility to "maximize the chances of finding chemistry -- actual, physical chemistry -- with your matches."
Eric Holzle, spokesperson for ScientificMatch.com, claims that hooking you up with your biological counterpart guarantees a "better sex life, more orgasms, a lower risk of cheating on each other, higher fertility and healthier children," according to the website.
All of that for the lifetime membership fee of just $995.
While this may seem like something out of a poorly-written sci-fi novel, the potential link between genes and sexual attraction has generated a number of interesting studies over the last decade. Among the more controversial was the "sweaty T-shirt" experiment, where Dr. Claus Wedekind in Switzerland asked several heterosexual women to sniff the T-shirts of men and rank their odor. Remarkably, women were found to prefer the scent of those men who expressed the greatest diversity in their major histocompatibility complex (MHC), a protein responsible for boosting our immune systems. What this means, from an evolutionary perspective, is that women are more likely to court men who carry immunities different than they themselves do, thus ensuring the strongest and healthiest offspring.
While I wouldn't personally advise sniffing out every dude you find in Food Court, the notion that attraction is dictated by our sense of smell is certainly provocative. And, given the prevalence of the sniff-and-mount method among our furry friends, it's hardly a far-fetched theory.
T-shirt sniffing, DNA dating, full-frontal male nudity in a chick flick -- the last decade has certainly been a testament to our sexual progress as a nation. We've come a long way since the Puritan days of the hermetically-sealed chastity belt, or the days when the vagina was deemed a fire-breathing mythical demon. Hell, we've even made progress since those old-fashioned times when dating meant asking someone out for dinner. If we continue on this mass genotyped trajectory of dating, imagine the future of romance 100 years from now.
In the year 2109, our conventional criteria for selecting a mate -- personality, smarts, similar interests -- will have become obsolete. All the hassles of awkward first dates will have been replaced by a simple genetic screening at birth, instantly pairing each of us with our male or female soul mate.
Free from the annoyances of romance, our time will be spent pursuing other, more erotic interests. Consequently, the commercialized sex industry will thrive. On college campuses, robo-prostitution will emerge as a wildly popular industry, with sexbot stations replacing Dartmouth blitz terminals.
Tomagotchies (remember those "robot babies" from the '90's?) will start appearing at Planned Parenthoods across the nation. As for the digital gaming world, the Nintendo Wii enterprise will have spawned the lucrative Nintendo Wii-Wii. Largely popular among middle-aged, divorced women, the Wii-Wii will consist of seven different fantasy worlds and pill-induced orgasms.
The vibrator (Rabbit 3000) will come fully equipped with "cuddle" and "good listener" mode, as well as complimentary sound bytes: "You're a bright woman with a lot to offer," or "Your butt looks great from this angle!"
With sperm banks on every corner, and a whole slew of fantasy toys to choose from, 2109 will also mark the year that the penis is declared biologically useless.
No one will miss it all that much.
