I recently made a mistake while changing channels; somewhere between "Who Wants to Date my Grandmother?" and "True Life: I'm on MTV's True Life" -- I stumbled upon a Fox News briefing. What I witnessed over the next three and a half minutes was downright horrifying. "Allegedly," or at least, according to some busty blonde anchorwoman, our country is in the depths of some sort of economic crisis. Crisis, I tell you! A heavy fog of financial gloom has settled over Wall Street, and the panic of an imminent market apocalypse is creeping across the nation. Everyone is freaking the eff out.
As I stared, dumbfounded, at the experts' market projections, all I could visualize were deflating erections. When thrust comes to shove, what more is our national depression other than a crippling case of economic erectile dysfunction? And unless Obama's got a secret recipe for stock market Viagra, we're all pretty much (not) getting screwed. In the figurative sense.
I've heard that desperate times call for desperate measures, but does the current bear market mean relationships need to suffer as well? With the hopes of salvaging romance in the midst of economic hardship, I consulted with financial expert and esteemed mammariologist, Dr. Pat Meititz.
According to Dr. Meititz, the current economic crisis can be remedied easily. We can all maintain the illusion of the Casanova, even when we're about to lose the mortgage on "nova casa." All it takes are some clever money-saving tips and tricks to keep the flame alive and subsidized.
Let's start with the basics. The romantic dinner out can be quite the expenditure, especially for the early courting stages of a relationship. Try replacing that coveted Canoe Club outing with a romantic Bolocco burrito dinner. Instead of expensive candles and flowers, go with the more fiscally conservative option -- matches and freshly "borrowed" floral arrangements from the Hanover Inn. Replace that $85 bottle of Dom Perignon with two Mad Dogs and a bottle of Gas-X. Mix thoroughly.
Total spent: $12.50. Total saved: approximately $145. Not having to worry about holding in a fart on a burrito date: priceless.
So sure, the dinner may have saved you some moolah, but what about after-dinner expenses? One huge relationship expenditure is the cost of condoms; at an estimated $1.33 a condom, this staple of safe sex will cost you approximately $1,330 a week, give or take a few hand jobs. Those little guys really add up.
Now, don't get too crotchety. I'm not about to endorse unprotected sex, but what I will enthusiastically endorse is do-it-yourself-protected sex. That's right, I'm talking about homemade condoms! Don't cringe just yet, for keep in mind that people have been using their own DIY condoms for centuries. Ancient Japanese resorted to leather and tortoiseshell sheaths, while Romans used condoms made from goats' bladders -- I kid you not!
So where are you ever going to find a goats bladder in New Hampshire? Well, remember that heinous leather laptop case your Mom bought you freshman year? I'm sure Mom will be proud to know it's finally going to be put to good use.
Condoms and burritos may be one way to cut back on expenses, but if you're so worried about making bread, it's going to be difficult to ever get leverage in your relationship. Why not ditch the monogamy entirely and just focus on the sexual benefits? Call me old-fashioned, but today's youth are far too quick to ignore the lucrative potential of sex. That's right, I'm talking about prostitution.
Hey wait, you say, that's offensive! Degrading! (Insert angry feminist rant here)! Or is it?
Well, Miss or Mr. Moral Pedestal, how often do you legally prostitute yourself on a daily basis? Never, you say? What about that A you received in NAS 35, that was only the result of convincing your professor that your name is actually Cherokee for "Runs with Beaver?" I believe the politically correct term for this endeavor is "grade-whoring."
And for all of you business suit"clad, future investment bankers of America, how much have you corporately whored your resum and credentials? Cofounder and captain of the "Creative Gaming Club?" I think what you mean to say is you dabbled a little too heavily in the anime world and spent your sophomore winter in a Halo-induced high. And you, Mother Teresa, just because you gave a peso to that little boy in Cancun doesn't mean you spent your spring break "rebuilding impoverished communities through microfinance."
Let's just be honest with ourselves for a moment: We spend our day-to-day existence fondling the proverbial ball sack of upper-level management.
FACT: Successful prostitutes make more in a day of work than teachers, firemen, sailors and burrito delivery men combined. Okay, maybe not every prostitute.
FACT: Australia, Amsterdam, New Zealand and even parts of Nevada and Rhode Island have already legalized the selling of sexual services. Political initiative to legalize prostitution continues in other districts.
So what's holding us back, other than those vestigial Puritan scruples? Why not take a page from Dr. Meititz's book, strap on those stirrups and get to work.
Sandra is a staff writer for The Mirror. Writing is her day job.
