The standard argument on behalf of sexing it up as your favorite gendered occupation or stereotype for All Hallows' Eve is pretty simplistic: On this most holy of holidays, you're exempt from standard judgments by our puritanical society, and such a costume will significantly increase your odds of finding that fabulous fantasy-driven make-out. It has come to pass, therefore, that any late-October dance party will yield multiple sweaty firemen, cleavage-baring nurses and a few requisite "animals" wearing some combination of lingerie and animal ears, if my memory of "Mean Girls" serves me correctly.
Let's look beyond the obvious factors driving the seasonal sales of fishnets and handcuffs and see how donning a provocative piece on the night of the 31st can have other benefits in the hamlet of Hanover.
While the stock market tumbles, and job options seem more sparse, late October marks the appearance of '09s sporting suits, ties and knee highs with no Andre or yellow school buses in sight. Yes, Dartmouth, it's recruiting season. For all the seniors out there who feel like they're playing dress-up every time they trade their Crocs for shined shoes and trek down Main Street, leather folder in hand, Halloween can serve as the ultimate release. After hours of connecting your comp lit major to the land of private equity while suffocated by your top button, the only cure for the perils of the job hunt is to swing to the other dress-up extreme. Undo that top button, and certainly don't stop unbuttoning there. As long as you steer clear of any photographers with a penchant for posting on Facebook, undressing will give you just the relief you need to dress for success through a few more rounds of interviews.
Even for those who haven't bookmarked Global Business Browser and signed up for daily passwords to Vault this fall, Halloween can still offer more than pop culture depictions of the holiday would imply. Not to harp on the economic theme, but for you crafty types out there, less fabric is simply less expensive. A toga can be made just as effectively with one yard of polyester as with three, and the price of any Halloween costume from Jo-Ann's Fabrics can be significantly reduced by simply minimizing coverage. If you're skeptical, buy swimsuit fabric; it has impressive amounts of stretch.
This less-is-more strategy will also help you in the long-run, as you discover throughout your Dartmouth career that the less space your possessions take up, the easier it is to uproot your life every 10 weeks. A full-sized gorilla suit will take up more than one 18 x 18 x 18 cardboard box from True Value, but a "Grecian God" costume (read: one leaf), can be tossed right back into nature, leaving room in your closet and easing your environmentally-aware conscience.
From a pragmatic standpoint, walking home November 1st wearing or carrying your costume is far from inconspicuous, regardless of how risque you decided to dress. The benefit of the material-lite costume, however, lies in its ability to be discreetly tucked into a small bag or a large pocket, or even sport it under the clothing you're borrowing for the walk home. The glitter hair-spray might still give away your walk as one of shame, but your chances of crossing the Green undetected increase exponentially.
Halloween is one of those few special holidays recognized not only at Dartmouth, but across North America as well. Coupled with the fact that Halloween conveniently falls on a Friday this year, it's going to be a scene. Despite the excellent ventilation and strict adherence to crowd limits by all of the fine fraternities of Dartmouth, you're going to want to sport as little clothing as possible merely for the sake of your health. Add up alcohol's dehydrating effects, plus the amount you'll be sweating if you choose to partake in said dance party, plus the salty contents in the EBAs order you'll be placing around 1:55 a.m., and DHMC becomes a legitimate contender for your Saturday morning wake-up locale. Do yourself a favor and dress in such a way that minimizes sweating and therefore dehydration -- you'll be helping yourself mentally and physically, as well as sexually.
Baring more than usual for Halloween is an investment in your future -- your future love life, your future packing concerns, your future bank account balance and your future medical or police records. If your future political ambitions don't seem to fit in this picture, sporting a mask is an acceptable and viable option, so any photo evidence can never conclusively be linked back to you. This reasoning doesn't necessarily extend beyond the 03755, so take advantage of the logic we accept as sound, and do Dartmouth Halloween right. Regina George would be proud.
Joanna is a staff writer for The Mirror. Her Halloween costumes range from "Pre-Apple Eve" to "Nudist."
