While the three may differ drastically across party lines, all have endured a Top Chef-worthy slaughter-fest on the media chopping board. From blogs to newspapers to Saturday Night Live, the women's family lives, their political records and even past opiate addictions have all been questioned, scrutinized and mercilessly criticized. Yet despite the uproar of the media, there remains one aspect of the four women that, in my own humble opinion, has not been given ample attention: their love lives, of course. Maybe it's because the FoCo chicken was spiked with extra hormones this week, or the economic collapse has thrown us all into a pre-apocalyptic hypersex drive, but I think we all have wondered at some point how each of these fine females would rate outside the political arena. With party tensions mounting, I can't help but make predictions: the maverick mistress, the dark horse or the lame duck?
Let's start with Sarah Palin: the ex-beauty queen governor next door. She bears a striking resemblance to a post-South Beach Monica Lewinsky, only with a little more class and a pair of ravage-me-in-the-Oval-Office glasses to match. While the Fargo-esque drawl, the charming smile and the hockey mom status may make her out to be an innocent lamb, her true sexual character would fall more along the lines of a ravenous Alaskan polar bear. And I'd advise to have those rifles ready, for this ain't no endangered species. NRA-tootin' MILF in a minivan, her bedroom persona may be even looser than her grip on foreign policy. In fact, much like the icy tundras of Alaska, Palin's nether regions have recently been listed as one of the world's most abundant and under-exploited resources. While her conservative views on sexual education may indicate otherwise, Palin is a radical pioneer, always willing to try something new -- as long as it doesn't involve a fetus or homosexuality, that is. The Bush Doctrine may not be her forte, but she's certainly well versed in the art of the pencil-skirt-and-beauty-queen-wave seduction. And sure the post-1950s mother of five may be less than alluring, but Palin is far from a dinosaur; in fact, dinosaurs don't even exist by her standards.
That brings me to our nation's next contender: Cin-double-D McCain. In order to dissect Cindy's bedroom persona we may need to probe further into her past. In 1968, Cindy was named "Junior Rodeo Queen of Arizona," and also nominated the "Best Dressed" of her graduating class. At UCLA, she was a member of conservative Kappa Alpha Theta sorority, and named number three on the top five "Best Cheerleader Make Out" list on the Juicy Campus's antecedent blog, Spicy U. After a brief stint in the beer business, at the tender age of 25, Cindy married John McCain, a little over three months after he had legally divorced his wife. He was, ahem, 43.
Ok, so it may not be quite as outrageous as Celine Dion marrying her 78-plus senior publicist, Grandfather Time, but the affair raised more than just a few skeptical eyebrows. While Palin may be the governor next door, McCain is the gold digger around the block, greatly coveted by pool boys and milkmen unanimously. With her costume jewelry and low-cut necklines, she's always one to turn heads and to flip ballots for dear old vet hubby John S. McCain.
Although the media may flock to the fire-starter, one must not overlook the girl to bring home to the 'rents. Michelle Obama is a dream for many young Democratic bachelors: intelligent, articulate and married to a future president. With her tasteful sleeveless dress-suits and motivational fist pump, she's been compared to a modern day Jackie O. Although the Himen staff has frantically searched for any type of Perez Hilton-worthy dirt on the Mrs. Obama, we failed miserably. Let's leave this one off the proverbial chopping board for the time being.
Last but certainly not least is a woman of a more elusive allure, Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton. Ex-First Lady Hillary is a dream for many young Democratic bachelors: intelligent, independent and married to a former president. While the two former beauty contestants may trumpet their feminine mystique, Hillary, donned in a "traveling pantsuit," is far more discrete about her personal life. Following the Lewinsky-Clinton scandal, Hillary publicly vowed to salvage her marriage to playboy Bill. Privately, she filed for legal separation from her vagina. Her vagina was unavailable for further questioning.
Sandra is a staff writer for The Mirror. When it comes to energy policy, she says, "Drill, baby, drill!"
