Throughout the ages, the illustrious cougar has been a source of legend and folklore across the American continent. A solitary species, the cougar distinguishes herself among other larger felines with her refined poise and keen stalk-and-ambush skills. And unlike more selective carnivores, this harbinger of death will prey on just about any unsuspecting prey with a pulse ... and a penis.
At Dartmouth, the cougar can be found lurking in many locations, skulking through pledge-week frat houses, eagerly recruiting prospies at Dimensions Fair, prowling through the Grill Line at the Hop. And why should she not rob that proverbial cradle? In the age of plastics and desperate housewives, isn't it high time for older women to claim their slice of the pubescent pie?
From a biological perspective, cougaring is just a natural product of developmental dimorphisms between the sexes. While males reach their sexual peak around the age of 20, the female's libido plateaus around the mid-thirties, making her a fair candidate for eager pool boys and Stiffler wannabes everywhere. In addition to evolutionary evidence, modern day marvels in breast augmentation, botox injections and even vaginal reconstructions serve to further deter the plight of the "old maid." A global increase in divorce rates has given rise to a generation of financially independent and emotionally autonomous divorcees just lookin' to score some young dude. These gals aren't about to take the men out of menopause. And hot-flashin' damn, why not stick the "erect" into hysterectomy while they're at it?
So it seems in the "real world," prowling bachelorettes have become the norm, but is Hanover ready for its own cougar hunt? "I don't think it's taboo at all for an older woman to hook up with a younger guy on campus," Anita Bohn '09, a self-proclaimed cougar, said in a recent interview. "Sophomore summer is fun and all, but let's be honest, by senior year we're all sick of seeing each other anyway."
Another aspiring '09 cougar, Amaya Ore '09, contended that Dartmouth is, in fact, more accepting of "cougaring" than the real world. "A lot of guys are attracted to older girls from class or whatever else, and girls love a cute freshman boy, which weakens the double standard." Not only does the cougar defy traditional stereotypes, for much of the '09 female constituent, the role can be sexually empowering. "The power dynamic was clearly in my favor," Ore notes. "And it made me feel very comfortable doing whatever I wanted, including going on long feminist rants and just taking my clothes off as I pleased!" she said.
Bohn found that "by being the 'experienced' one, you can take control." She also claimed that bagging a younger dude may come with a surprising added bonus. "My younger dude showed up in the middle of a pong game once just to see me and say hi, and I proceeded to play the best game of my entire life. Apparently being smitten with a younger man ups your pong game."
So how does one go about the refined art of cougaring? Estelle Burns '09, a famed '12 aficionada, agreed to provide some valuable tips. First things first, the cougar always starts with smaller prey. "You don't wanna dive right into a full-sized caribou," she said. "And then realize half a hind-limb that you bit off is more than you can chew." While cougars often travel in packs, they should do most of their hunting solo. Large crews may intimidate younger cougar prey. "It's imperative to maintain confidence and sensuality," Burns said. "But you don't want to over-emphasize your age discrepancy."
One should be cautious not to make outdated references that might sail right over cougar prey's eager young heads. Talking about Keggy the Keg, Tubestock or the '80s is out of the question. And most importantly, Burns warns, the Cougar must always be on the look-out for her most detested natural enemy ... the freshman girl. Keep a watchful eye and claws sharpened at all times, for she's small, mobile and will easily steal away the attention of your prey. How can you deter the most daunting foe? "Stand your ground and mark your territory," Burns said.
If you're not one for public urination, then there are several alternative ways of diverting the younger-girl competition. Useful '12-aimed decoys include portable frozen yogurt machines, TDX party blitzes or the promise of a new post on juicy campus. If none of these strategies suffice, Burns advises meowing and pawing at her ominously from a shadowy basement corner.
While neither Ore nor Bohn had any fail-proof strategy for attracting younger guys, they both "highly recommend cougaring" to the '09 female contingent. Just beware, while cougaring can be empowering, sexually liberating and dynamic, it can also be dangerously addictive. Be safe this Halloween, and consume '12 boys in moderation.
All names have been changed to protect cougars' privacy.
