T he wide-eyed spawn of the Class of 2012 can be found at every corner: mispronouncing the names of frats as they swarm into basements, smiling with joy as they tell people about their long term life goals, accidentally sitting down at upperclassmen tables and then fleeing amidst eye rolls and exaggerated sighs. Freshman like to think they are incognito and blend in with the upperclassmen, but sadly for them they stick out like a math professor at a Chi Gam dance party. You can locate them by their lanyards, by their massive giggling 'shmobs, by their well-worn Class of 2012 shirts, and by the conversations they have about how sweet they were in high school. Nowhere is more exotic than the epicenter of '12s, a carnival of naivety and all that is freshman: The Choates.
I journeyed into the freshmen's natural habitat to learn more about this species of Dartmouth student, and while there I was able to identify the various sub-species that populate our Green. I went so far as to even communicate with a few.
The Eager Beaver
Location: Walking away from Choates
Identifying Feature: Rose-colored glasses.
What do you like best about Dartmouth?
"I really like how the community seems so unified. The campus is quaint. Lots of good things."
What is your favorite frat?
"Um, I just have to go by what I heard so probably Sig Ep. Do I have to have a reason for that?"
What do you think of upperclassmen guys?
"I haven't seen many yet, but I think they're mostly really nice."
What do you think of underclassmen guys?
"They seem really, um, [pause for laughter] nice, too. They seem talented and really chill so it's cool."
What's the definition of the word 'facetime?'
"Um, I don't know. Facetime, what's that?"
How many times have you worn your '12 shirt?
"I hate to say this, but mine's on order right now."
What do you think of upperclassmen guys?
"They are extremely friendly and accommodating."
What is your favorite part of Dartmouth so far?
"Oh, the diversity of the classes."
What do you think of Dartmouth's social scene?
"I think there's so much to do it's not even possible to try it all. It's fantastic."
What do you want to major in at Dartmouth?
"I'm going to try to triple major in Asian Studies, Linguistics and Economics."
The Spotted Overacheiver
Location: Choates
Identifying Feature: Pre-med Aspirations
This freshman doesn't outwardly care about frats, girls or Keystone. But he's oh so psyched about the academics. He's wearing a lanyard and carrying a planner, and he's planning to quadruple major in Econ, Math, Philosophy and English. He's been to the office hours of each of his professors during Orientation, and he's looked up your SAT score online. He'll ask you to "turn down your freaking music," but he'll speak so quietly you won't be able to understand what he is saying. You'll just smile and nod.
What is your favorite part of Dartmouth so far?
"The friendly atmosphere. Everyone's been really nice."
What's your favorite frat?
"I haven't been to one yet."
What's the craziest thing you've done so far?
"I don't do anything crazy. I'm not one of those crazy partiers."
What do you want to study at Dartmouth?
"I want to be pre-med, so most likely major in biology. I want to take some English and I'm also really interested in Japanese culture."
What do you think of the long lines at FoCo?
"It's not too bad. Standing next to them is kind of hot. I'm glad because it means the food is fresh. It isn't sitting out there for days. It's kind of comforting."
The Accidental Tart
Think naivety at its finest. Not overly experienced in high school, this girl will love being surrounded by older college guys at every turn. Lines such as, "I'm a Brother here" or "Want to check blitz in my room" will actually work on her throughout Fall term until she has a brief moment of self-loathing and changes her ways. Consequentially, she is the favorite girl of the upperclassmen guys.
The Bitter Wait-Listee
Location: Choates, standing by a tree, talking to friend in the tree.
Identifying Feature: Chip on shoulder.
What is your favorite part about Dartmouth so far?
"Everyone seems to be pretty friendly ... They all seem to be really accomplished in something except for me. They're like, 'Fun fact, I solved cancer.' I'm like 'Dick.' Wait, don't write that... "
Have you played pong yet?
"I played one game a few days ago at Chi Gam. I lost so badly. I only remember the victory sound of the other team. I was getting pity looks, it was shameful."
Have you gotten golden shrubbed yet?
"What's that?"
What's your definition of the word self-call?
"It's just being arrogant. I'm totally narcissistic myself. I try to avoid using that word though."
What do you think of the upperclassmen?
"They're cool. So far I haven't met any self-call upperclassmen yet. Wait, put quotation marks around self -call so it looks like I'm saying it with quotation marks."
Have you and your friends gotten laid yet?
"I don't think so. Not yet." [Looks away]
The Socially Challenged Butterfly
Location: Choates, heading towards Occum Pond.
Identifying Feature: 'Shmob.
This guy could be preppy or sporty, but you'll spot him by his wide-eyed look from across the basement. He wasn't so ragey in high school, so now is his chance to break free, act out, noparentswoo. He's made a to-do list and his top two priorities are blacking out and getting laid. High five! His eagerness is charming, and he is all smiles, but he'll be the first to pass out on the floor of a frat after losing at pong or wake up with boot all over his room. But you better believe he'll being loving every minute of this new found freedom.
What's your favorite frat?
"Heorot, better known to the '12s as Harriet... Harriet, Tubs. I've been golden tree'd three straight times." [Says it proudly].
What's your least favorite frat?
"Um, well, I'm not really looking to make any enemies."
What do you think of your dorm?
"I'm in a substance-free dorm and I don't like anyone who drinks." ['Shmob laughs loudly].
Have you and your friends gotten laid yet?
"The answer is no." ['Shmob guys nod in agreement, shrug].
The Steaky Pseudo Bro
Location: Climbing a tree in the Choates, next to two friends.
Identifying Feature:
Typically clothed in athletic, stereotypically steaky clothes -- think baseball cap and sweats -- this freshmen will seize any moment he has to say how sweet he was in high school in an attempt to get laid. Projecting a transparent, "been there, done that mentality," he uses a deep voice and exaggerates his drinking and sexual abilities while hanging with his bros in the common room of the Choates, hoping the girl on the second floor will hear what he's saying. Ask him about anything and he'll tell you he knows what he's doing. He'll throw in a few grunts and offer to walk you home. If you decline his offer, he'll spit out the line that he meticulously practiced in front of his mirror while shaving: "Whatever, I can get any girl."
What do you think of the Choates so far?
"They're epic. They're pretty old, a lot of character. And the people are cool."
How many times have you played pong?
"Three or four."
How many times have you lost?
"I've lost every one of them. (Pause) Although you could also say I won every one.
How's that?
"I drank a lot and you know, getting drunk is the point of pong."
What's your favorite frat?
"I don't even know which ones I've been to. I think all of them are a little lame. I like Heorot just because I have tons of friends there. The only thing that's cool about frats is there are a lot of people at them. But I'd rather be around a fire with the same amount of people, not in a gnarly basement."
The Long Distance Boyfriend Girl
Upperclassmen guys find this species of girl to be the most frustrating and never miss an opportunity to tell her that her boyfriend isn't treating her right. She's on her cell phone 24/7 and gives looks of disdain to boys who approach her in the basement. For the first two weeks she just wants to be friends with the guys she meets because she misses her boyfriend. But in two more weeks, she will have a tearful breakup over the phone with her boyfriend. Four hours later she will become "The Experienced Girl."
The Long Distance Girlfriend Guy
Same as above only this guy will not breakup with his high school girlfriend. He will just cheat on her. A lot.
Jilian is a deputy editor of The Mirror.
