To everything there is a season, and at Dartmouth it seems that our years as upperclassmen are the season for getting fat and going insane. If you disagree, take a quick glance around the basement on any recent evening of our waning sophomore summer: We are all well on our way to becoming campus clichs.
Yes, Captain Basement has quit whatever he was recruited for and gained 25 pounds. Yes, Wonder Woman believes "belting it" will erase her Collis pasta sins, and though she's already slain half of his former teammates, she still wants to take him to formal.
It's official: we're out of our God-blessed minds. To make matters worse, the fragile snow globe of our social existence is about to be shaken, and we will all come down in different positions. Upperclass girls find themselves somewhere akin to a gutter. Boys, on the other hand (if they've managed to avoid pesky things like a drug addiction or a girlfriend), will finally get the chance to dominate our social spaces!
I know this is all very shocking, but stick with me. As we rising juniors now look towards the fall and our impending status as "washed up," let's contemplate more graceful ways to age. "Washed up" is one thing. "Beached whale" is another.
"... A time to break down..."
Now that we've lost our v-cards, D-cards, blacknorthfacefleeces and, most importantly, our anonymity, it's time to regroup. Everyone now knows everyone here, so keep your beer tears and break-ups to yourself. In fact, keep yourself to yourself. Go out half as often, and try to regain some of your mystery. I think you left it at Psi U.
"... A time to build up..."
Don't get fat. I know, I know, easier said than done. But I'm too hungover to muster up "The Art of: Not Getting Fat" right now. Honestly, we were all warned to avoid the Freshmen 15, but the calorie-counters fall silent somewhere along the line after that. This idea of letting oneself "go" fascinates me. As in, "Oh, he's dating someone and just let himself go." Who wants to go to fat? Do not go there.
"...A time to embrace..."
Older boys have their pick of who to embrace, and they embrace younger, less complicated girls. Boo hoo. In order to either subvert or maximize this trend, emphasize the positive aspects of your upperclassmen status. Work your resum. By this time you must be president of something or in charge of some club or really well-read or something, right? No? Think of freshmen year, when everyone needed an epithet: "Oh you don't know him? He's in X fraternity and plays X and is in charge of X." One good thing about being an upperclassmen is that your actions on campus speak louder than your looks. If you're accomplished, you too will be embraced, but for heaven's sake, please don't use this as an excuse to let yourself "go."
