If you ignored my earlier advice to hook up with half of the campus, you may have found yourself with a permanent pong partner (known outside of our bubble as a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" with whom you go on "dates.") As sophomore summer draws to a close and the junior class scatters to our respective Bridgewater-provided abodes or overpriced student hovels, the question of what to do with this person looms large. Do you buy extra cell phone minutes, memorize every variation of his Blitz nicknames and (gulp) actually put yourself "In a Relationship" on Facebook? In keeping with my theme of hedonistic irresponsible advice: NO! I even have a list of handy little reasons why not.
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You are about to exit sophomore summer la-la-land and return to the world of actual responsibilities and classes. (Gasp, no more Astro 3! I referenced a sophomore summer class. This is funny. YOU WILL LAUGH.) The free time you spent having some sort of relationship is about to evaporate, leaving you with spare minutes or hours in which a casual no strings-attatched hookup will fit perfectly.
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Keeping in touch with people off-campus, frankly, is impossible. (Remember those high school friends you used to have?) Writing on Facebook walls is for 12-year-olds, you have no money to pay a cell phone bill because you spent your summer in class instead of working, and some computers actually don't have Blitz installed. That guy who works in the cubicle next to you at Goldman, however, is all kinds of accessible.
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Some of us are heading off on foreign study programs. It is your sacred duty as an American tourist, particularly in Europe, to get drunk and fall victim to an experienced bar-crawler relying on his or her "exotic" accent and purposely-limited command of the English language. Having romantic attachments back home makes it difficult to be this irresponsible
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During the year, where we have enough 21-year-olds on campus to allieviate the administration's feelings of guilt for allowing us to register parties where absolutely no underage drinking will ever take place, there will be DANCE PARTIES with drunken randos! Do you really want some relationship that prevents you from freely hooking up with the Chi Gam brother grinding all up on your ass?
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And finally, I feel extremely sketchy writing this BUT: the '12s are coming! Although bros are permitted, nay, encouraged to "offer to show the freshmen girls how to check Blitz," I'll support the feminazis in this case. Ladies: you are equally free to offer hospitality, guidance and anything else to the gentlemen members of the class of 2012.
In sum: the D-plan was designed by a bitter single gnome determined to ruin people's relationships. Go with it, take pictures and read about yourself on JuicyCampus.
