I know it's early to start thinking about this, but since it's May and the seniors are on the last leg of their Divas Live 2004-esque farewell tour, I have started to feel like an old man. Before I know it, it's going to be the end of the summer and a few weeks before my senior year. Because of all of the nostalgia running through my brain these days, I have begun to think about what I would do differently if I were given another shot at college. I have very few regrets, but if a few things had gone differently I think my time here at Dartmouth would have gone from "great" to "unbelievable."
So, in honor of the seven students that Professor Venkatesan was trying to, here are the seven things that I would have done differently if I could start over.
- Taken a class from Professor Venkatesan
I dare a professor to sue me. This is not out of arrogance; I just can't still believe this is real. Having a teacher who thinks the class is constantly plotting against her by way of repeated nose-blowing and subliminal messaging must make for a hysterical class dynamic, something I'm sad to have missed out on. With my nervous knee-tick and the six or seven bathroom breaks I take per class, she might think I was sent to Dartmouth to destroy her.
- Been a Creative Writing Major
If I had time, I would scrap every other class I've taken towards my current major and buckle down to take classes exclusively in creative writing. In my other life, I was a mix between Roald Dahl, Shel Silverstein and Spike Lee, so it probably would have worked out fine.
- Worked at Brambles
In a perfect world, I would have gotten a job at Brambles, been promoted to head cashier, embezzled thousands of dollars and then burned the building down. Brambles: Hanover :: Bubonic Plague: Europe
- Walked on to the Football or Rugby Team
I am naturally a confrontational person. I like to fight people when they give me bad looks. Most people that have this urge do one of two things: fight their classmates and get Parkhursted, or play a high contact sport. I would put hockey on my list of sports I would have liked to play, but I haven't skated since Team USA beat Iceland in "D2: The Mighty Ducks."
- Done something infamous during Orientation
It's Orientation. Everyone is meeting each other, making amazing or horrible first impressions on their fellow classmates that, for better or for worse, will haunt or help them for the next four years of their lives. I wish I would have known how important Orientation would be and, instead of being scared that I wouldn't matriculate if I acted up, done something absolutely insane. I can't decide what would have been more amazing: setting up a lemonade stand in the Choates or going to shake the president's hand in a gorilla costume. Either one would have left a mark.
- Invested in DJ equipment.
I am furious that I did not do this. Sure, the initial investment is thousands of dollars. But being a campus DJ pays for itself extremely quickly, is fun and, most importantly, you get an alias. If I would have stormed on this campus my freshman fall as DJ Waffle Crisp, my life would be completely different. Not only would my dorm room look like the basement of "Duck Tales," but I would also be the nastiest DJ every to hit the Upper Valley.
- Started a Bike Gang
This is the one thing on this list that it might not be too late to start, which is why it is number one. It is also number one because it fills a niche that this campus sorely needs. I want to start a bike gang. I still need to buy a bike and conduct a recruitment process similar to sorority rush to find my fellow gang members, but my bike gang will run this school. Not that I have thought about this at length or anything, but we would all:
Have matching yellow bikes.
Have wardrobes provided by Vermont Flannel Company.
Have one right tassel.
No bike horn, but instead a saxophone attached to the front.
Diamond pegs.
Most importantly, ride in Flying V formation (second Mighty Ducks reference of the article, but who's counting).
The last thing I want this list to be is a cheap facetime ploy to recruit members for my bicycle gang, but if you are interested please Blitz "09 Class Council," which will hopefully be funding the gang in full.
I wish there was a way for this list to be distributed to incoming freshman. These are the things students need to know before they get here. If you are reading this, Administrator X, please discontinue the summer reading book and instead distribute this article. I don't want the '12s to go down the same boring path I have gone down over the past three years.
Kids, have fun at college. And most importantly, please start a bike gang.
Rembert is a staff writer for The Mirror. He wants a bike gang because he can't drive.
