By Amy Davis
I am against blind dates for formals. Now, I know what you're thinking: Why not take the risk? Why be so cautious, so boring? But the thing is, I'm not against blind dates for formals because they might go poorly. I'm against them because they might go well.
It's an undeniable fact that, for a girl, the best person to take to formal is a long-term boyfriend who not only loves to dance (as in bump, grind and meringue) and drink without vomiting, but also wants to hang out with all your blacked-out sorority sisters, who might call him things like 'Pookie.' Such a person is as mythical and hard to find as Charlie the Unicorn's Candy Mountain. Too old of a reference? Gosh, sorry. I guess my age is starting to show.
If you can't get the Fountain of Youth of formal dates, you might as well settle for second best: the most awkward person you can find.
Now here is the inescapable problem with blind dates. What if the guy can hold a conversation? What if he cracks a joke or a smile, or actually knows how to make you feel at ease? Or worse yet, he doesn't just sway in place on the dance floor but really gets into Cranking Dat? This is formal failure -- you're about to get your hopes up. First you're thinking he's not bad, then you spy the monogram on his oxford and you find yourself planning your marriage, or at least an escape route to the nearest bathroom to do some serious snogging.
But you think all this is good? That's where you're wrong. He's a blind date, a hired hand, there because he is some sister's friend's friend who really wants to go to formal (read: needs indiscriminate ass) or worse, he's actually just a nice guy who doesn't mind going (read: pushover).
What you need for formal is the planned date, calibrated for the perfect combination of awkwardness, douchebaggery and disinterest. It takes work to make certain you have the right dude. Look around your classes. Is there a boy that you occasionally say hi or grunt to when you pass each other? How about someone who says, "Let's crush a beer together," when you run into them in a basement? These are indications of good formal dates.
Still, it can be hard to find a gold mine like this. But fear not, there are other options out there too. And if you're still hard-pressed to find someone, just consult my itemized list of planned dates that have much more potential (for awkwardness, embarrassment and thus amusement) than blind ones:
Your TA from last term. He had a commanding voice, knew your name and smiled at you once in a while. All great signs. Plus, he shook a piece of chalk pretty rhythmically -- definitely the sign of a potentially good dancer.
A friend or sorority sister's sibling. The great thing about Dartmouth is that whole families decide to enroll. It adds love to the community, and it supplies great dates in a lurch. If you have a great platonic vibe with your friend, it has to carry over to her sibling, right?
Some Hanover High kid. They're young, impressionable and have very stylish, floppy hair. They might not own suits yet, but this is entirely remediable. Plus, maybe his mom will take pictures of you two in their backyard.
Frat dog of choice. Admit it, you're on better terms with Argus and Boondog than you are with any of their respective brothers. The drooling's a bit of a problem but is totally made up for by the fact that both are great dancers (I know from experience). You'll have to ask their owners for permission, but this is basically equivalent to having to ask your friend with a girlfriend to ask her if you can take him to formal. Sure it's a lot of asking-to-ask diplomacy, but who hasn't done that before?
If you really want to go for a blind date, I won't stop you. But really, you should try to think outside the box. There are plenty of deliciously awkward dates out there that I can guarantee would love to have the uneasiest time of their lives with you.
Amy is a staff writer and deputy editor for The Mirror.
