I'm about to tell you about the single most embarrassing, ridiculous thing that has ever come to Dartmouth. More than bbOne. Even more than The Remix. If you don't know what LaundryView is, then stop reading this article and continue living a very happy, uncorrupted life. If you have already stumbled upon this atrocity, however, there is no turning back.
As of 11 p.m. on Monday evening, everything that has ever happened to me is categorized as either BLV or ALV, being "before LaundryView" and "after LaundryView." I stumbled upon it in a seemingly innocuous Blitz from someone who, for the sake of secrecy, we'll label "DJ Enzo, Dartmouth's favorite DJ since Spring 2007."
The Blitz went something like this:
"No one is washing or drying clothes at kkg
http://laundryview.com/laundry_room.php?lr=177807"
Being the curious cat that I am, I click on this link, and things haven't been the same since. Let me tell you what I saw.
A virtual-reality laundry room, in what can be best described as a SimCity aesthetic, with two dryers and one washing machine.
A zoom feature so that one can really see the tiling on the virtual-reality floor.
A rotate feature so that one can see not only the front doors of the dryers and washers but also the "W" marking the washer when rotated 180 degrees.
All of this completely rocked my world, but DJ Enzo had lied to me. One of the dryers was taken and instead of being white, it was red and shaking like a Polaroid picture (or like a dryer). I don't know if the phrase "opening up the floodgates" has any significance, but LaundryView has the capabilities to completely snowball on other aspects of campus. I'm not a prophet or anything, but if LaundryView becomes a success, here are a few more ideas that I've been told could be in the works:
SundayMorningBagelBasementView
GDXPitPongLineView
SafetyandSecurityInMyDormView
BerryOneFacetimeView
If via the Internet one had the ability to see how deep the line was in Bagel Basement or at Gamma Delt, whether or not the campus police were in a certain dorm or if all of the prime spots in First Floor Berry were taken, maybe the world would be a better place you say. But nay! All of the surprise (and subsequent disappointment) would be gone from life.
As much as it sucks to stand in a line or to search the library for two hours for a spot, it is also builds character. The challenges in life make you a tougher person. Programs like LaundryView are making Americans weak (i.e. Canadians).
I mean, what's next? First you can see if the laundry machines are in use. Then you'll be able to see which person in the dorm is in the laundry room. Soon (in 17 days, I hear), you will be able to see who is using everyone else's detergent and who keeps taking other people's socks out of the South Mass laundry room. If all of this comes true, there will be no spice in life. I love going down into the laundry room, hoping to see someone sneaking one of my T-shirts into their pile so I have just cause to physically assault them. Who doesn't love that?
So, I know the campus is jumping with joy over this LaundryView phenomenon. You'll probably disregard every word I say, but do me a favor. Save this article. There will come a time when you will curse the day LaundryView was invented. I know you do not have this foresight, but I do. I predicted that Dartmouth Secure would be horrible. I predicted that it would be cold in May. I predicted that sleeping without a pillow for five weeks would not do wonders for my spine. I was right on all accounts.
So, Dartmouth, enjoy this honeymoon period you are having with the Patriot Act-like marvel of modern technology known as LaundryView.
But just remember when you use LaundryView, they win. If they can figure out where your clothes are, I'm sure they can figure out where you are.
Rembert is a staff writer for The Mirror. His middle name is Cassandra.
