It's time we accept that the Alumni Gym serves as yet another forum for our school's burgeoning obsession with facetime. As a recent gym convert, I have just accepted it myself. I hardly went to the gym last year, not counting the three days during the dead of winter when my fitter floormates convinced me to -- no joke -- take the Advance Transit to the gym at 7 a.m. before my 10A. Aside from this spate of insanity, I avoided the gym because I lived in the River and was planning on being an Econ major (obvi). I regret it now, though. My naive little freshman head (and freshman waist, hips, thighs) had no idea what I was missing -- or what my body would be gaining.
But I digress. It's clear that at a school brimming with washed up tri-season high school varsity athletes who have lost the varsity athlete abs but retained the varsity athlete self-importance, we need more than just pong, boat races and negatively curved classes to satisfy that repressed competitive streak. The gym is the perfect outlet for this.
Let's use the sudden popularity of squash as a case study. The main reason for the explosive increase is that Dartmouth students have discovered that squash inherently lends itself to facetime. I mean come on, you play it in a glass room with a partner. When I tried to play for the first time around 6 p.m. on a Friday this term, the courts were so packed that I had to wait for some sweaty, squashed-out pair to finish.
Luckily I hadn't already started to play in court five though, because the pair in there was kicked out by a zealous couple who planned for primetime by making court reservations. I didn't know you could even do that. I recently learned from some squash fanatics that some of the more aggressive among them take the frenzy even further: They book court reservations for the hour while people are already playing so they can kick them out. So intense!
The competition for the squash courts attests to the surprisingly high quality and volume of gym facetime. In just the period it took for my partner to beat me while playing left-handed, I saw some friends, met new people and spotted several acquaintances, including two ex-hookups. (Note: This statistic goes to show how busy the squash courts were on a Friday evening, not how slutty I was my freshman year.) Score. To be more specific, they spotted me -- and more importantly, my crushing backhand. Ace!
Not everyone has embraced gym facetime yet, but that's because not everyone (least of all myself) has mastered the art of it yet. The '11s, an overall much more sociable class than their predecessors, have unsurprisingly caught on the quickest. Two courts over, a pair of freshman girls played while decked out in disgustingly adorable matching outfits. Imagine tiny green-and-white American Apparel retro shorts and matching sweatbands and wristbands. Note to self: Look cute at gym next time. Better yet, bring cute matching squash partner.
Some people think that the gym is supposed to be "me time," but really, what's better than simultaneous "me time" and facetime? If there's one thing Dartmouth students love more than themselves, it's multitasking. Now that's one thing we can all get behind.
Perhaps most critical is the time you choose to actually go to the gym. I'm not too sure when is best for facetime, but you have to balance the benefit of a busier time with the drawbacks of crowded machines. Nothing says "desperate creeper" like lingering behind a girl on a treadmill while she's trying to get her sweat on.
In some ways, the gym is the ideal place for facetime: it smells nicer than your generic frat basement, everyone is fresh-faced and flushed, and the pumping endorphins make everyone happy. Plus, the gym is perfect for short, meaningless conversations of the basement variety. Even better, when you don't want to engage in conversation the earphones-in nod is much less awkward than turning to the stranger playing dice next to you in the hopes of looking busy.
Don't just limit yourself to Alumni Gym facetime. Think Climbing Gym. That's in the River, by the way. Oh when did I discover it? Just this year, now that I live in McLaughlin. Did you know that all the guys climb without their shirts on? I've asked one such shirtless climber friend why they do it, and he told me that it legitimately helps them climb better. Well, I'm never one to judge.
Embrace the facetime in whichever gym you solicit, at least until the phenomenon of ridiculous self-promotion blows over. In other words, never. The gym is the new Collis, which was the new 3FB, which was the new FFB.
Take a hint from freshman girls and break out that Juicy "jog suit" you bought in eighth grade and actually jog in it. Think about it this way: The more gym facetime hours you get in, the more you'll actually have to show off.
Jean is a staff writer for the Mirror. She also writes the Spotlight each week. Watch your back, Katherine Gorman.
