Oh the joys of senior spring. It's a time to celebrate your reckless youth one last time before the ruthless thrust into that proverbial belly of the beast: the "real world." While many seniors will spend the last few months carefree, skipping their ENGS 5 class every day, lounging out in the sun and stumbling along nostalgia lane in an alcohol-induced haze, there is also another, slightly more panicked group. This is a group you may find nervously canoodling in the Novack breakfast line, or self-hazing at a romantic Canoe Club Dinner. Bachelorettes beware, it's the "still dating the same girl from sophomore fall" crew.
Still tied down when you head off to your high-powered Wall Street office is reason enough to panic. As we all know, however, cutting the cord can be a tricky endeavor. Senior dudes, fret not, for with the right tips and tricks you'll have yourself the world's most stress-free break up. Sandra presents: the do-it-yourself manual to the perfect break-up Blitz.
Let's begin with the style. It's important to achieve a balance between formality and intimacy. You want to sound refined and mature, but not like you pulled an all-nighter in 1902 pounding out a thesis. I would recommend capitalizing and correctly punctuating the important lines, such as: "I think it's best for both of us to have some time apart," or "Let's still be facebook friends." It also serves to your advantage to drop these emotional bombs near the beginning of the Blitz, as girls' attention spans can be painfully short. Try building up the mood by starting off with a light joke, a funny haiku even before diving into the heavier stuff. That will get her chuckling just enough to drown out her violent, vengeful sobs.
As for the actual content of the Blitz, remember that it's the quantity, not the quality of your prose that really matters. A little known fact about the break-up Blitz is that the number of kilobytes directly correlates to your level of caring. 1 KB, and you're an asshole. 3 KB, a bonafide softy. 5 KB, and you pretty much emasculated yourself with girly emotions.
Remember that girls are often very volatile creatures, and when provoked can go off on violent feminist rants, erupt into a PMS-induced fury or sometimes even ovulate everywhere. Disgusting. I would advise constructing your Blitz with the same care and caution that a lion-tamer executes when approaching a wild beast in heat. Intertwine feeling words, like "I understand," and "I do care" among your main points. In the same vein, make sure to follow especially brutal statements with a lighter qualifier -- perhaps an "lol" or well-placed emoticon. As an example: "Your constant phone calls and attempts at sober hang-out time are stifling me, haha. ;o)."
This brings me to my next point: Don't overlook the importance of editing and revising! One of the biggest mistakes in break-up blitzing is those nasty little Freudian slips that somehow sneak undetected right through your filter. When you meant to say, "I hope we can still hang out and talk, as friends," you may have the tendency to instead write, "I hope we can still get shit-faced and accidentally hook up and then regret it the next day, as friends." Although both of the former statements clearly have the same meaning, she may pick up on the subtle differences. This is an unnecessarily common error of the break-up Blitz, so be sure to go through and edit out a potentially awkward situation.
As for the conclusion, remark on the weather, wish her a good day, and include a relevant web link. This technique is especially effective because it shows her that in between surfing through "horny milfs" on redtube.com and Wikipedia-ing the history of cannabis you were thinking about her. "I found this clip on Youtube and it reminded me of just how buoyant you can be, even during these relationship hurdles." Include a clip of a beached whale.
For a final touch, add a somber and self-deprecating statement, another smiley face, and don't forget to blind carbon copy your entire fraternity this time.
Congratulations! You're just a Control-M away from an emotional baggage-free senior spring.
Sandra is a staff writer for The Mirror. Ladies, next week she'll go over the art of the "I'm Pregnant" Blitz.
