Analyzing a guide to the examination of conscience, which is used in Catholic confession, Ellie Smith '09 became fixated on performing religious rites perfectly and attended confession at least once a week.
"Something in me switched," she said. "For some odd reason, from that day forward I started to regard myself as the greatest sinner that ever walked the Earth."
Smith, who was later diagnosed with chronical depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and other conditions, was able to find a therapist with a Catholic background that matched her own.
"My recovery was rapid," Smith said. "I turned from a hollow zombie to a happy girl."
Smith was among five students who spoke at the Student Panel on Mental Illness, an event hosted by Active Minds in the Collis Student Center on Thursday. The event was intended to create dialogue about mental illness on campus, said Taylor Dryman '09, the president of Active Minds.
"The point of the panel was to create an opportunity for students to speak to other students in an effort to defeat the stigma of mental illnesses," Dryman said.
At the event, Smith, Alica Driscol '11, Sophia Golvach '11, Sarah Harris '11, and Adam Reed '11 shared their stories of mental illness with the audience, attempting to identify ways to help students cope with these disorders.
Harris said that, although she had previously exhibited symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder, her mental state was worsened last summer when Hayley Petit, an incoming Dartmouth freshman, was brutally murdered along with her sister and mother in her home in Cheshire, Conn.
"I was really set back by that, but I didn't tell anyone," she said. "A girl at work was talking about some other home invasion that day, and 30 minutes later I lost control of my left arm."
Driscol told the audience she was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder during her junior year in high school, but her mental state worsened during her freshman fall at the College.
"Halfway through the fall I was drugged and sexually assaulted when I was out at night," Driscol said.
This incident triggered post-traumatic stress disorder for Driscol, who began to suffer from nightmares and insomnia.
Reed and Golvach presented a different perspective on mental illness. Both have family members suffering from severe mental disorders.
Reed's mother, who passed away last March, was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a sickness that Reed described as an "inability to see things in grey" that involves emulating only extreme behavior. Golvach's brother, John Paul, was born autistic.
After sharing their personal struggles, each panelist sought to explain how he or she lived with mental illness. Despite the different experiences of each speaker, they all agreed that identifying symptoms that worsen one's mental state is the key to coping with the disorders.
"For me, recognizing what triggers me and what makes me happy is what makes it possible for me to study at Dartmouth," Driscoll said.
Admitting to having a mental problem can be especially difficult, and specialized therapy is at times indispensable, the speakers said.
Harris said that admitting to her problems was especially hard for her, because she has always had a "Type A" personality.
"What I'm learning now is that it's not my fault," she said. "It's not fair for you to live in fear that your mind is going to take over your life."
The speakers sought to emphasize the College's mental illness resources and encouraged students to seek out these services if needed.
"Dartmouth's really flexible, and if you need time to deal with yourself, you can always take advantage of the D-Plan," Driscoll said, further encouraging students to find a dean with whom they can connect.
"Don't be embarrassed to seek help, it is not the sign of weakness, rather one of strength," Smith said.
Dr. Kristin Gustavson, a staff counselor at Dick's House who was also present at the panel, echoed Smith's sentiments in an interview with The Dartmouth.
"Come earlier if you're concerned," Gustavson said. "Early intervention helps avoid problems."
Although the speakers' lives were marked with periods of suffering, they all said they learned a lot from their experiences.
Reed said that through being a "caretaker" of his mentally disabled mother, he discovered himself, while Smith said she now has the "ability to derive childish, puppy-like joy from even the smallest of things."
